You jokes

I was going to log a pun about trees, but you wooden understand it.

You can beat up orphans, what are they gonna do, tell their parents?

What do you call an orphan taking a family photo? A selfie.

One day, a priest and a nun went to play golf together.

In the first shot, the priest missed his shot and said, "Fuck, I missed it!"

The nun replied, "Hey, you should not curse."

In the second shot, the priest missed his shot again and said, "Fuck, I missed again!"

The nun replied, "Hey, stop swearing, or else God will punish you."

In the next shot, the priest missed once again. He shouted, "Fuck this, this game is bullshit!"

The nun replied, "Enough! God is definitely going to punish you anytime now."

Suddenly, a thunderbolt struck the nun and killed her. The clouds separated from the sky, and there was a voice in the sky saying, "Oh, fuck, I missed!"

When the school shooter is just about to leave your classroom, and you think you're in the clear, but the Down syndrome kid says, "Goodbye."

What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

You can't unscrew a pregnant woman.

What's a similarity between a broken lightbulb and a pregnant woman?

They're both accidents.

So little Johnny was on the bus, and the bus driver already hated him. So he started to talk to himself JUST loud enough for the bus driver to hear.

"If my dad was a bull, and my mom was a cow, that would make me... a little bull!"

"If my dad was a rooster, and my mom was a hen, that would make me... a little rooster!"

And by this point, the bus driver was fed up with him, so he said:

"Ok little Johnny, I got one for you: If your dad was a drunk, and your mom was a whore, what would that make you?"

Little Johnny smiled and said: "A bus driver!"

What do you call a depressed person?

Me.

Billy: "I'm so used to having you in bed with me, I don't know if I'm ready for this long-distance relationship."

Sally: "Ohh, don't worry brother, I'll just be right down the hall..."

What do you call an emo filming their suicide?

America's Funniest Home Videos.

What do you call a terrorist in a kids' swimming pool?

A bath bomb.

A little known rule: You cannot be circumcised if you are running for political office in the US.

You need to be a complete dick.

How is sex like air? It’s not a big deal unless you aren’t getting any.

If you wanna really know how to get under my skin, give me a razor and maybe we'll talk ;)

Is your name suicide because I think about you all the time?

What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter, it's not coming anyways.

Nazis have marched in Melbourne. Are you sure Eric Clapton and Carrie Underwood are not touring in Australia?

Customer: "Can I get this in a smaller size and a different color?"

Employee: "Ma'am, this is an adoption agency, you can't do that here!"

Did you know the F in Orphan stands for family?

If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep... That'll give you a reason to get up in the morning.