You jokes

How do you know when Helen Keller is home?

Answer: When you hear somebody falling down the stairs!

Did you know that you can die from laughing? Well, that’s why I laugh so much.

I was gonna walk up to an emo and say, "Do you get jealous when your phone dies?"

Hey JFK, what would you do if you were in a fight?

JFK: Well, I'd give them a piece of my mind.

What did the receptionist at the sperm bank say when you were leaving? "Thanks for coming!" 😉😉

Are you a school? Because I want to shoot a bunch of kids in you.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high and grabbed Jill’s thigh and said, “You know you wanna.” Jill said yes and pulled up her dress, and then they had some fun, but silly Jill forgot her pill, and now they have a son.

Why are women like KFC?

After you've finished with the thigh and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

When you hear Michael Jackson talk about his "perfect 10," make sure you hide your 10-year-old son.

What do you call a 60 year old with a bomb?

Suicide Boomer.

Police: Where do you live? Blonde: With my parents. Police: Where do your parents live? Blonde: With me. Police: Where do you all live? Blonde: Together. Police: Where is your house? Blonde: Next to my neighbor's house. Police: Where is your neighbor's house? Blonde: If I tell you, you won't believe me. Police: Tell me. Blonde: Next to my house.

Two atoms are walking down the street, and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I’m positive!"

You know, it's only considered murder if there's a body. Otherwise, it's just a missing person.

Did you hear about the fortune telling dwarf that escaped from prison?

Reports say there's a small medium at large!

A pedophile lures a group of Houston Girl Scouts with "Hey girls, would you like some candy?" They all agree and follow him to his neighborhood. There he offers them some more candy and they follow him to his house. Once again he offers them candy to go in to his house. In the lounge he offers them candy to go to his room. As he leads them up the stairs one of them pipes up and says "God, I hope we get laid before we get diabetes."

So there I was, fucking my sister, and she shouts, "God, you fuck like Dad!" I then said, "Damn, that’s what Mom said."

And the lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.

What do you call someone who wants to commit suicide by jumping off a building?

A cliffhanger.

What do you do when you see a sad orphan?

Nothing, let them wait for their parents.

One morning a dad was sitting and watching TV. His daughter comes in and says, "Dad! Why is my name Rose?" He replied, "Oh! It's because when you were born a rose petal fell on your head." "Cool," Rose said.

The second daughter walked in and said, "Dad! Why is my name Daisy?" He replied, "Oh! It's because when you were a baby, a daisy petal fell on your head." "Awesome," Daisy said.

The third daughter came in and said, "DuUuBuDuRDeEDeRdUuUuU!!!" "SHUT UP CINDER BLOCK!!!"