You jokes

What's the best part of dating a homeless girl?

You can drop her off anywhere.

Jim's car is swerving all over the road, so a cop pulls him over. "Step out of the car," says the cop. "I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test." "I can't," Jim responds. "You see, I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack." "Alright," says the cop, "then you're going to have to take a blood test." "Can't do that either," Jim responds. "I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won't stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death." "Ok," the cop answers, "then I will need a urine sample." "Sorry," says Jim, "I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low." "Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me." "Can't do that either," responds Jim. "Why not?" demanded the exasperated cop. "Well, because I'm drunk!"

A man looks at his friend and says, "If you and a friend go camping and you two get really drunk, and in the morning you wake up with a condom in your butt, would you tell anyone?" The friend says in a disgusted tone, "No." So the man says, "Okay, let's go camping."

Yesterday I was fucking my sister, and she said, "You fuck a lot like dad." I said, "Really? Mum said that too."

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? The "p" is silent.

How do you get a one-armed man out of a tree?

You wave at him.

If you give a gator a GPS, does that make it a navigator?

My teacher told me, "You have no idea how powerful this quote is." I looked at her and told her, "You don't know how powerful the shotgun in my bookbag is."

What do you call a happy child swinging with her friends at recess?

Not Sally.

What do you call your daughter's boyfriend when he brings her back past 10pm?

An ambulance.

Like this if you are in elementary, middle school, or high school.

You know when you sign up for something and it says "I'm not a robot"? I guess he never had the chance to tick that.

A vampire walks into a bar and orders a cup of hot water. The bartender asks, "I thought you guys only drink blood?"

The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, "I'm making tea."

Why can you never hear bunnies having sex? Because they have cotton balls.

Why did the skeleton not go to the dance?

Because he’s dead.

You idiot.

What do you call those dead pieces of green stuff left in the bottom of a bowl of Caesar salad?

The last romaines. Now lettuce pray for them.

A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant.

After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing diapers!”

She replies: “Oh my god! Am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?”

To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”

Did you hear that Stephen Hawking wrote a new book? It's called "Around The House in Eighty Days."

Chuck Norris doesn't dial the wrong number. You answered the wrong telephone.

What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic? About half way.