A guy walks into a bar with a 44 magnum and says, "Who the fuck's been fucking my wife?" The room goes silent. The guy in the back finishes his beer and says, "You ain't got enough bullets."
Allan: What are you doing Saturday night?
Museum girl: Committing suicide.
Allan: What about Friday night?
You know when you sign up for something and it says "I'm not a robot"? I guess he never had the chance to tick that.
A vampire walks into a bar and orders a cup of hot water. The bartender asks, "I thought you guys only drink blood?"
The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, "I'm making tea."
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky.
Did you hear that Stephen Hawking wrote a new book? It's called "Around The House in Eighty Days."
What's the best part of dating a homeless girl?
You can drop her off anywhere.
You know how 6 is afraid of 7 because 7 8 9? Well, 10 is afraid because he was in the middle of 9/11.
I’m giving in my two week resignation to life... it’s not you ... it’s me!!!
What do you call someone who points out the obvious? Someone who points out the obvious.
How do you stop a baby from crawling around in a circle on the floor?
You nail its other hand to the floor.
Friend: "You are so ugly." Me: "You can't be talking, you give Freddy Krueger nightmares."
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic? About half way.
So, my sister is a feminist. I asked her, "Do you want to hear a rape joke?" She said no. I still decided to force one down her throat anyway.
What do you call a joke without a punchline?
What do you call the space in between Kim Kardashian's breasts?
Silicon Valley.
Like this if you are in elementary, middle school, or high school.
My sister thinks she's so smart, she said onions are the only food that makes you cry.
So I threw a coconut at her.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Insomnia.
You'll fit right in along with Depression and anxiety, you can help keep me awake at night because Depression is struggling with that... Well now I can't cry myself to sleep anymore...
So I ran into a woman the other day who says her vaginas is like a lottery ticket. She said it's because you have to be lucky to hit it... I thought it's because she was always scratching it.
