You jokes

Jim's car is swerving all over the road, so a cop pulls him over. "Step out of the car," says the cop. "I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test." "I can't," Jim responds. "You see, I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack." "Alright," says the cop, "then you're going to have to take a blood test." "Can't do that either," Jim responds. "I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won't stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death." "Ok," the cop answers, "then I will need a urine sample." "Sorry," says Jim, "I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low." "Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me." "Can't do that either," responds Jim. "Why not?" demanded the exasperated cop. "Well, because I'm drunk!"

Little Johnny's teacher asks him, "Johnny, do you pray before you eat?" Little Johnny says, "I don't need to, my mum makes good food."

What's the only part of a vegetable you cannot eat?

Wheelchair.

You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes.

What's the best part of dating a homeless girl?

You can drop her off anywhere.

Why did the skeleton not go to the dance?

Because he’s dead.

You idiot.

A man looks at his friend and says, "If you and a friend go camping and you two get really drunk, and in the morning you wake up with a condom in your butt, would you tell anyone?" The friend says in a disgusted tone, "No." So the man says, "Okay, let's go camping."

How do you know when an orphan is lying?

When they say, "I swear on my mother's life."

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? The "p" is silent.

How do you get a one-armed man out of a tree?

You wave at him.

What's the difference between you and Hitler?

Hitler knew when to kill himself.

If you give a gator a GPS, does that make it a navigator?

Like this if you are in elementary, middle school, or high school.

My teacher told me, "You have no idea how powerful this quote is." I looked at her and told her, "You don't know how powerful the shotgun in my bookbag is."

How do you blindfold an Asian?

With dental floss.

What do you call your daughter's boyfriend when he brings her back past 10pm?

An ambulance.

I’m giving in my two week resignation to life... it’s not you ... it’s me!!!

A vampire walks into a bar and orders a cup of hot water. The bartender asks, "I thought you guys only drink blood?"

The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, "I'm making tea."

You know when you sign up for something and it says "I'm not a robot"? I guess he never had the chance to tick that.

Why can you never hear bunnies having sex? Because they have cotton balls.