You jokes

Son - Dad, I've been expelled from school for having sex with a girl in my class.

Dad - Son, that's the 2nd school this year! Maybe teaching isn't for you!

How do you get a one-armed man out of a tree?

You wave at him.

You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes.

Jim's car is swerving all over the road, so a cop pulls him over. "Step out of the car," says the cop. "I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test." "I can't," Jim responds. "You see, I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack." "Alright," says the cop, "then you're going to have to take a blood test." "Can't do that either," Jim responds. "I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won't stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death." "Ok," the cop answers, "then I will need a urine sample." "Sorry," says Jim, "I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low." "Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me." "Can't do that either," responds Jim. "Why not?" demanded the exasperated cop. "Well, because I'm drunk!"

Are you enjoying my yolks? I bet they're making you crack up. If not, I better scramble.

A guy walks into a bar with a 44 magnum and says, "Who the fuck's been fucking my wife?" The room goes silent. The guy in the back finishes his beer and says, "You ain't got enough bullets."

What’s the difference between hungry and horny?

Where you put the cucumber 🥒

A mosquito with a Mario hat on flies on you saying, "It's-a me, Malario!"

What's the similarity between women and car parking spaces? The good ones are always taken, and sometimes when nobody's looking, you slip in the disabled one.

Little Johnny's teacher asks him, "Johnny, do you pray before you eat?" Little Johnny says, "I don't need to, my mum makes good food."

What's the only part of a vegetable you cannot eat?

Wheelchair.

what do you get when you play a country song backwards? you get your wife, your house, and your kids back.

What's the best part of dating a homeless girl?

You can drop her off anywhere.

Why did the skeleton not go to the dance?

Because he’s dead.

You idiot.

What do you call those dead pieces of green stuff left in the bottom of a bowl of Caesar salad?

The last romaines. Now lettuce pray for them.

A man looks at his friend and says, "If you and a friend go camping and you two get really drunk, and in the morning you wake up with a condom in your butt, would you tell anyone?" The friend says in a disgusted tone, "No." So the man says, "Okay, let's go camping."

How do you know when an orphan is lying?

When they say, "I swear on my mother's life."

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? The "p" is silent.

Chuck Norris doesn't dial the wrong number. You answered the wrong telephone.

If you give a gator a GPS, does that make it a navigator?