A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant.
After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing diapers!”
She replies: “Oh my god! Am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?”
To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”
A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost. As they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air and men with spears are there. One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren't that crazy, so we will let you choose how you die."
The man from France said, "Bring me the poison."
The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun."
And the man from New York said, "Bring me a fork."
The guy was confused with the fork but still brought the items and gave them to them.
The guy from France said, "For France!" And drank the poison and died.
The man from Britain said, "Long live the queen!" And shot himself and died.
And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said, "Make a canoe out of this, you fuckers!"
What do you call a retard with a boner? A slowpoke.
A guy walks into a bar with a 44 magnum and says, "Who the fuck's been fucking my wife?" The room goes silent. The guy in the back finishes his beer and says, "You ain't got enough bullets."
Did you hear that Stephen Hawking wrote a new book? It's called "Around The House in Eighty Days."
Allan: What are you doing Saturday night?
Museum girl: Committing suicide.
Allan: What about Friday night?
A vampire walks into a bar and orders a cup of hot water. The bartender asks, "I thought you guys only drink blood?"
The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, "I'm making tea."
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky.
What's the best part of dating a homeless girl?
You can drop her off anywhere.
You know how 6 is afraid of 7 because 7 8 9? Well, 10 is afraid because he was in the middle of 9/11.
What do you call someone who points out the obvious? Someone who points out the obvious.
I’m giving in my two week resignation to life... it’s not you ... it’s me!!!
How do you stop a baby from crawling around in a circle on the floor?
You nail its other hand to the floor.
Friend: "You are so ugly." Me: "You can't be talking, you give Freddy Krueger nightmares."
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic? About half way.
What do you call the space in between Kim Kardashian's breasts?
Silicon Valley.
What do you call a joke without a punchline?
Like this if you are in elementary, middle school, or high school.
What's the only part of a vegetable you cannot eat?
Wheelchair.
So I ran into a woman the other day who says her vaginas is like a lottery ticket. She said it's because you have to be lucky to hit it... I thought it's because she was always scratching it.
