You jokes
Roses are red, Violets are blue, With every beat of my heart, I'm devoted to you.
Welcome to Dave’s orphanage. You make it, we take it.
Do you know what the F in orphan is for...
Family.
Son: Dad, where are you?
Dad: Getting another one.
Son: Getting what?
Dad: Dad.
Judge to the defendant: "Defendant, do you have a criminal record?"
"No."
"Have you always been honest?"
"No, never been caught!"
Roses are red, Violets are blue, When life gets tough, I'll stand by you.
"What do you call a person who is afraid of Santa Claus?"
"Claustrophobic!"
People ask me, "Are you an organ donor?"
"Yeah, over my dead body!"
What do you call plane crash victims?
Down to earth people.
I would tell you a joke about pizza, but it was too cheesy.
How do you break up two blind guys fighting?
Yell, "My money's on the guy with the knife!"
How is a marriage like a hurricane?
In the beginning, there’s a lot of sucking and blowing, but at the end, you lose your house.
Police officers hope you’re a criminal.
Doctors hope you get sick.
Mechanics hope you get car troubles.
But only thieves wish you prosperity.
Weird?
How do you make the grass cut itself?
Make it depressed.
I'd tell you a joke about pizza, but it was too cheesy.
What do you call a white woman working at an all black company?
Crack/her
What’s something you can say in bed and in a Zoom meeting?
"Do you want the cameras on or off?"
You know you are from China when you use rice instead of glue.
This was a few months ago. I used to help people load and unload inventory. One day I’m driving home after having lunch with my sister, and she asked if we can stop at the next gas station. I told her, "So you can weigh yourself on the truck scale?"
Blessed Brian, your secrets are safe with me... because I wasn’t listening when you told them.