“Boom, quick; you have five seconds to give me three reasons to live.” “1…2…3 ……4…5…” Did you noticed you said nothing at all?

a man walks into a bar, and notices a steak hanging from the ceiling. when he asks the bartender about it, the bartender says “If you can jump up and hit it, drinks are on the house for the night, but if you miss, everyone’s drinks are on your tab for the next two hours. Do you want to try?” the man decided not to take the risk. he thought the steaks where too high.

A woman noticed her husband standing on a bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha! Thats not going to help!” She said. “Sure it does.” he said. “Its the only way i can see the numbers.”

3 Drunk men get in a taxi, the driver knew they were drunk so he started the car and turned it off. the first man gave him the money, the second man thanked him but the third man slapped the driver, the driver surprised that he noticed so he askes why and the third man replies with ¨why did you drive so fast.¨

My midget landlord told me to pack my things up and that i’ve got 30 minutes to get out. That’s short notice!

I was in Alabama last year. I walked into a store and noticed a couple kissing eachother and I said excuse where is the bathroom and the man said right over there. I went into the bathroom and then heard the girl say “Dad I have to go to school soon”

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbor. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbor says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbor to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’

A doctor is at a bar one night and notices a young lady at the counter, he approaches her and says “Hello there miss, pardon my intrusion but I was curious to know if someone were to pay you a million dollars to sleep with them, would you?” The young lady smiles and says “That’s a lot of money, of course I would.” The doctor smiles and says “That’s interesting, but what if someone were to pay you 5 dollars to sleep with them, would you?” The young lady says “What are you joking? That’s no money at all, Of course I wouldn’t, what do you think I am?” The Doctor smiles again and says “We already established what you are, now we’re trying to establish a price.”

A girl noticed hair growing between her legs and asked her mom about it. Her mom said it was her monkey and it grows hair.so she told her sister and her sister said that aint nothing mines already eating bananas

A fish was swimming around in a pond when he noticed a fly flyin around about six inches above the water. He thought, “if that fly drops six inches, I could have myself a nice meal.”

There was a bear watching the fish watching the fly. He thought, “if that fly drops six inches, that fish will come up for that fly, and I can catch that fish and have myself a nice meal.”

There was a hunter watching the bear watching the fish watching the fly. He thought, “if that fly drops six inches, the fish will get the fly, the bear will go for the fish, and I can shoot the bear and have myself a nice meal.”

There was a mouse watching the hunter watching the bear watching the fish watching the fly. He thought, “if that fly drops six inches, the fish will get the fly, the bear will get the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, drop his sandwich and I can have myself a nice meal.”

There was a cat in a tree watching the mouse watching the hunter watching the bear watching the fish watching the fly. He thought, “if that fly drops six inches, the fish will get the fly, the bear will get the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, drop his sandwich, the mouse will go for the sandwich, and I can catch that mouse and have myself a nice meal.”

Then it all happened

The fly dropped six inches

The fish came up and caught the fly

The bear came out and caught the fish

The hunter got up to shoot the bear and dropped his sandwich

The mouse went for the sandwich

The cat jumped from the tree, missed, and landed in the pond

The lesson that can be learned here is that every time a fly drops six inches, a pussy gets wet.

A lady from the city and her traveling companion were riding the train through Vermont when she noticed some cows. “What a cute bunch of cows!” she remarked. “Not a bunch, herd”, her friend replied. “Heard of what?” “Herd of cows.” “Of course I’ve heard of cows.” “No, a cow herd.” “What do I care what a cow heard. I have no secrets to keep from a cow!”

There was a boy a named Sammy and he was deeply in love with a girl named Rayne but she didn’t notice him or talk to him but one day she did and they end up liking each and getting married and lived happil- wait no that’s not right Sammy snuck in Raynes house at night and Kidnapped her locked her in his basement and turned her in a puppet so she be with him forever and ever. The End.

So, I was walking down the path of my life with bigfoot, noticing the two pairs of footprints, mine and his. One day, I notice his prints are gone. I look up to him and say, “You had promised you would always be there for me. How is this possible?” He, then, looks me straight in the eyes, and say,“Raw!”

I was taking a walk near the prison when I saw a good looking guy climbing down the fence, and when he noticed me, he gave me a sneer! It was pretty condescending.

I asked my new girlfriend how many men she’d had before me. She said not to worry, she could count them all on one hand. Unfortunately, this was when I noticed she’s holding her cell phone with a calculator app open. I took note of her wallet inside a picture of what appeared to be 10 guys I asked and she said that’s my fam as well I noticed an Alabama drivers license I asked where which one was her dad she said that she doesn’t talk to him anymore because he had sex with the boss’s daughter I casually asked what he did for work self employed she said That’s the last time I use ancestry.com

A hired gun gets on a private plane to his next contract. Halfway through the trip, he notices the plane rapidly losing altitude. So he opens that back of the plane and starts tossing out everything he doesn’t need. Grenades, guns, ammo unless it was bolted down it went out. He stopped throwing things out when the plane started to regain altitude. When the plane lands, he sees some kids giggling on the side of the road. “What’s so funny?”, he asks. “Daddy farted and the house blew up,” said a singed little boy.

If you spin a fidget spinner You’ll end up spinning it too fast when you end up spinning it too fast It will make you fly away when you fly away you’ll end up in a tree when you end up in a tree You’ll see that your friends are hanging out without you When you see that your friends are hanging out without you You’ll run away in the woods because your sad When you ran away in the woods you’ll see a bear when you see a bear it will chase you when the bear chases you you’ll build a fort to protect yourself when you build a fort to protect yourself You than notice your lonely You’ll become friends with the bear When you become friends with a bear, you’ll start to act like a bear when you start to act like a bear You will become a bear DO NOT BECOME A BEAR NEVER PLAY WITH A FIDGET SPINNER

When you decide to turn your high school into your personal shooting range but you don’t give any proper notice except for a bullet to the head…

GRAVEYARD SAVINGS: While leafing through our local newspaper, I noticed this classified ad: “For sale: one used tombstone. Splendid opportunity for a family named Dingle.”

A lawyer bought a beautiful yacht. He invited the law firm to come aboard for a great weekend. Saturday night was the candle light dinner and Sam drank too much, walked on the deck and fell over the rail into the water and was calling for help. Tom said, “Oh no the sharks will get him.” All of the party lined along the rail and noticed the sharks were swimming around him in a circle. Jim said, the sharks are not even bothering him! And a shark lifted up his head out of the water and said, “Professional Courtesy.”

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