You jokes
Person with no arms: Even though I have no arms, I can do anything you guys can.
Me: If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. 👏👏 If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. 👏👏
Person with no arms: 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Your hairline retreats from your face just like all the guys that look at you.
Why are there no chemists in Africa?
Because you can’t take tablets on an empty stomach.
Ms. Smith: Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if I made ugly faces, it would freeze, and I would stay like that.
Little Johnny: Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned.
Father talks to his 5-year-old son: “No, Petie, you don’t have to worry. There is no monster sleeping under your bed. It sleeps every day in the bed next to me.”
Memes
Why is it wrong to drive around in a van offering children candy?
Because you’ll have more success if you give out video games!
What do you call a paraplegic stuck in a tower?
In trouble!
When a "Baby on Board" sticker is a little faded and beat up, you know the kid is at least a year old, and the car is safe to ram.
How did you get into the tampon 100?
Pull some strings!
Your hairline is so ugly, it’s receding from your face to never see you.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a Martinus.
"Don't you mean a martini?" asks the bartender.
The Roman replies, "If I wanted a double, I would have asked for one!"
What do you call a 5th grader with no friends?
Sandy Hook survivor.
Have you heard of the show Naked and Afraid?
That's what I call hide and seek with my uncle.
Beer Bottle: You break me, you get one year of bad luck!
Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get seven years of bad luck!
Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)
What do you call a group of Alabama superheroes?
The Incredibles.
How do you knock out 26 kids in one punch?
Give them a Sandy Hook.
What do you get when you cross a corrupt lawyer with a crooked politician?
Chelsea Clinton.
The worst part about working for the department of unemployment is when you get fired, you still have to show up the next day.
You must be from Pearl Harbor, 'cause baby, you're the bomb!
It's easy to tell if a skeleton is lying to you because you can see right through them.