You jokes
Where do you find a turtle with no legs?
Right where you left it.
What do you call a Russian prostitute? Slobadown Mycockyoubitch.
What game hurts you the more stages you survive?
Cancer.
What do you call a sad, depressed artist? Anything but "Cows of Woe".
Johnny is walking along, and a priest is coming the other way. Johnny says, "Hey, mister, why are you wearing your collar backwards?"
The priest says, "Because I'm a father."
Johnny says, "Yeah? Well, my old man's got three kids, and he don't wear his collar backwards."
The priest says, "You don't understand, son. I have thousands of children."
Johnny says, "You should wear your fuckin' trousers backwards."
I am throwing a party in space. Can you help me planet?
How many babies does it take to paint a wall?
Depends how hard you throw them.
What's the difference between a child and a book?
One doesn't scream when you snap its neck.
What do you call it when Hitler abuses his wife?
Adolf Hit Her.
Australian says to American: why do you have such bad gun laws?
American: Self defense.
Australian: Self defense against 50 innocent children?
Bully: I'm going to hurt you so bad.
You: Well... your IQ is the same amount of teeth I'm about to knock out, so... you're so dumb that you can't even do that.
And your IQ is 5.
If I were a cat, I'd spend all nine of my lives with you.
Mickey Mouse went to a psychologist and told him, “I’m having problems with my girlfriend.”
The psychologist said, “You mentioned that you think she is crazy.”
He said, “I didn’t say she was crazy, I said she’s fucking Goofy!”
If you drink, don’t drive. People cause accidents.
If you drink, don’t park. Accidents cause people.
So, I was in the woods the other day raping this woman when she screamed, 'Please! Think of my children!'
I thought, 'Ooo, you kinky bitch.'
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
As many as you like. They can’t change anything.
What's the difference between an onion and a baby?
One makes you cry when you cut it up.
I'll never forget my grandfather's last words: "STOP SHAKING THE LADDER, YOU LITTLE CUNT!"
*Watches sad movie with family*
Everyone else: *Crying*
Sister: How aren't you crying?
Me: I have no tears left to cry...
What do you call a gun that doesn't kill anyone?
- A VEGUN.