You jokes
You should never try Afghan weed because people in Afghanistan get stoned to death.
What do you call a fruit that argues against the position it supports?
The Devil's advocado.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I only do anal, I thought you knew.
What do you call a group of depressed kids?
The suicide squad.
I always hated being born a Catholic as a kid. The way you have to keep kneeling down, bending over, and standing up all within a few minutes of each other while at church. I was always thinking, “For God’s sake, just pick a position and fuck me!”
Why should you stay away from trees? - Because they wanna be leafed alone.
Like if you have a dad.
Why do you never play a game of cards in the jungle? Because there are cheetahs!
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef.
How do you get a clown to stop smiling?
You shoot him in the face.
How would you best describe prostate cancer?
Well, it is somewhere between a dick and an asshole!
Me: Now I know why Michael Jackson turned white.
The police: You finally figured it out.
An old man is sitting on a park bench, crying his eyes out. A jogger stops, feels bad for him, and asks, "Sir, what's wrong?"
The old man sobs, "I'm 85 years old. I have a 25-year-old wife at home who is a supermodel. She cooks me gourmet meals every day, she keeps the house spotless, and we spend every night in total, passionate bliss."
The jogger looks confused. "Wait... that sounds amazing! Why are you crying?"
The old man looks up, tears streaming down his face, and wails: "I can't remember where I live!"
How do you stop a MeToo feminazi from telling the world about being raped? Easy: just rape her mouth shut.
Where do you find a turtle with no legs?
Right where you left it.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high and grabbed Jill's thigh and said, "You know you wanna." Jill said, "Yes," and lifted up her dress. Then they had some fun, but silly Jill forgot her pill, and now they have a son.
What do you call a Russian prostitute? Slobadown Mycockyoubitch.
What game hurts you the more stages you survive?
Cancer.
What do you call a sad, depressed artist? Anything but "Cows of Woe".
Johnny is walking along, and a priest is coming the other way. Johnny says, "Hey, mister, why are you wearing your collar backwards?"
The priest says, "Because I'm a father."
Johnny says, "Yeah? Well, my old man's got three kids, and he don't wear his collar backwards."
The priest says, "You don't understand, son. I have thousands of children."
Johnny says, "You should wear your fuckin' trousers backwards."