You jokes
What do you tell a dead metal fan?
Rust in peace.
I always hated being born a Catholic as a kid. The way you have to keep kneeling down, bending over, and standing up all within a few minutes of each other while at church. I was always thinking, “For God’s sake, just pick a position and fuck me!”
You should never try Afghan weed because people in Afghanistan get stoned to death.
If somebody cuts their leg off and hits you with it, would they be kicking or hitting you?
What do you call a group of depressed kids?
The suicide squad.
Memes
Why do you never play a game of cards in the jungle? Because there are cheetahs!
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef.
A woman has been raped by a man. She calls the police, and a policeman shows up.
Woman: "Please help, officer! I have been raped!"
Officer: "No problem, ma'am, I will just unrape you."
Woman: "What? Unrape me? How?"
Officer proceeds to bring back the rapist and forces the woman to rape the rapist back in order to cancel out the initial rape.
How do you get a clown to stop smiling?
You shoot him in the face.
Me: Now I know why Michael Jackson turned white.
The police: You finally figured it out.
How would you best describe prostate cancer?
Well, it is somewhere between a dick and an asshole!
How do you stop a MeToo feminazi from telling the world about being raped? Easy: just rape her mouth shut.
What do you call a Russian prostitute? Slobadown Mycockyoubitch.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high and grabbed Jill's thigh and said, "You know you wanna." Jill said, "Yes," and lifted up her dress. Then they had some fun, but silly Jill forgot her pill, and now they have a son.
Where do you find a turtle with no legs?
Right where you left it.
What do you call a sad, depressed artist? Anything but "Cows of Woe".
What game hurts you the more stages you survive?
Cancer.
Johnny is walking along, and a priest is coming the other way. Johnny says, "Hey, mister, why are you wearing your collar backwards?"
The priest says, "Because I'm a father."
Johnny says, "Yeah? Well, my old man's got three kids, and he don't wear his collar backwards."
The priest says, "You don't understand, son. I have thousands of children."
Johnny says, "You should wear your fuckin' trousers backwards."
What's the difference between a child and a book?
One doesn't scream when you snap its neck.
I am throwing a party in space. Can you help me planet?