You jokes

A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull.

The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram."

She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable."

Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"

A kid is arrested for a school shooting threat. He is then apprehended and asked why he wanted to do this. He responds with, "What do you mean? I already did it." Then the police ran back to the school to apprehend the other people he was planning it with. The cops busted in through the doors, which caused a smoke trap to go off, which then the cops saw three people walk in and the police begin to fire. But as the smoke began to clear, the cops saw that the three people were 16 kids duck taped to rolling poles, 4 per pole. Back at the station, holding the kid being apprehended, the kid puts his feet up on a chair and said, "Aww, it pays to be lazy!"

Q: How can you tell the sun is a boy?

A: It rises every morning.

What do you call a fruit that argues against the position it supports?

The Devil's advocado.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I only do anal, I thought you knew.

What do you call a group of depressed kids?

The suicide squad.

Why should you stay away from trees? - Because they wanna be leafed alone.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves? Russel.

What do you tell a dead metal fan?

Rust in peace.

I always hated being born a Catholic as a kid. The way you have to keep kneeling down, bending over, and standing up all within a few minutes of each other while at church. I was always thinking, “For God’s sake, just pick a position and fuck me!”

You should never try Afghan weed because people in Afghanistan get stoned to death.

If somebody cuts their leg off and hits you with it, would they be kicking or hitting you?

Why do you never play a game of cards in the jungle? Because there are cheetahs!

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef.

A woman has been raped by a man. She calls the police, and a policeman shows up.

Woman: "Please help, officer! I have been raped!"

Officer: "No problem, ma'am, I will just unrape you."

Woman: "What? Unrape me? How?"

Officer proceeds to bring back the rapist and forces the woman to rape the rapist back in order to cancel out the initial rape.

How do you get a clown to stop smiling?

You shoot him in the face.

Me: Now I know why Michael Jackson turned white.

The police: You finally figured it out.

How would you best describe prostate cancer?

Well, it is somewhere between a dick and an asshole!

How do you stop a MeToo feminazi from telling the world about being raped? Easy: just rape her mouth shut.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high and grabbed Jill's thigh and said, "You know you wanna." Jill said, "Yes," and lifted up her dress. Then they had some fun, but silly Jill forgot her pill, and now they have a son.