You jokes

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high, grabbed her thigh, and said, "You know you wanna." Jill said yes and pulled up her dress, and then they had some fun, but silly Jill forgot her pill, and now they have a daughter.

Haha, I fucked you over!

What do you call a murderer with two butts? An assassin.

I was going to tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.

Your mom is so fat when you printed the picture, it would not stop printing! 😂🤣

My friend: You ever feel like life is pointless? *drives faster*

Me: Yea-

My friend: If you could die with one person, who would it be? *speeds up more*

Me: H-hey, you should slow down! Slow down, slow down! We're about to-

Man: Cow milk is drinkable.

Other man: How do you know that?

Man: *smiles with milk all over mouth*

Other man: John...h-how do you know that!

What do you not say to an Emo if you want them to come round? "Wanna hang out."

I asked the gym instructor,

"Can you teach me to do the splits?"

"How flexible are you?" he asked.

"Well, I can't make it on Fridays."

Me: Good night, everyone.

My friends and family: Night.

Me: *gets in coffin*

My family: *stares at my friends* You aren't going to do something?!?

My friends: *to my family* Nope, this is normal.

Treat me like a joke, and I will leave you like it's funny.

A friend called me a while back saying, "I have COVID.... I can't breathe, I really have a hard time breathing."

I reply saying, "Dude, you need to work on your George Floyd jokes."

Christopher Walkin: "This is a literal universal remote! It actually controls your life! You can pause, you can rewi-"

Me: power button.

Jesus takes his disciples to a bar.

"13 pints of water, please," he says to the barman.

"Oh, fuck, not you again," the barman replies.

"You boys are about to see something real special," says Jesus.

Hey, Reaper!!! Where are you going?

"I finished my job."

What about me?

What’s the speed limit in bed?

It’s 68. Once you hit 69, you have to turn back around.

What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Philipe Philope.

Grandpa: "Sonny, let me tell you something. There's only one damn thing in this whole world worse than Alzheimer's."

Boy: "What's that?"

Grandpa: "What's what?"

Do you like pudding? Pudding deez nuts in your mouth!

What do you call a Pirate Pokemon?

Arrrrrr-ceus!

What do you call a cow in the snow?

Chilli Beef.