You jokes

billie: hi.

me: You wanna hear a story?

billie: Yes, sure.

me: Once upon a time, I ran over your dog last night.

I started debating whether or not suicide is a good option. Self-harm just hasn’t been cutting it lately.

To whoever you are, you are loved.

Yo mama so fat when she jumped in the water, the whales started singing "We are a family, even though you fatter than me."

What do you call it when an orphan takes a family photo? A selfie.

You know how to get 10,000 followers? Run through Africa with a bottle of water.

Guy 1: "Tell me a bad pun."

Guy 2: "Alright. What's the difference between a tuna fish, a piano, and a tube of glue?"

Guy 1: "Ok, that last one was random as heck. What is the difference?"

Guy 2: "You can tuna a piano, but you can't piano a tuna."

Guy 1: "Ok, where does the glue come in?"

Guy 2: "Ah, I knew you'd get stuck on that."

A man is with his friend in a bar.

The friend, out of the blue, asks, "Hey, what's your body count?"

Nervous, the man looks away.

The friend then says, "I'm talking about sex."

The man then turns back and mumbles, "Oh... I thought you saw inside the basement..."

"Wait, wha..."

"What?"

One day in class, little Johnny was mucking around, not listening to the teacher. After 5 minutes, the teacher caught him, finished what she was saying, and said, "Little Johnny, if you weren’t listening, what was the last thing I said?" And little Johnny replied back, "You said, 'What was the last thing I said?'"

Want to know how you make any salad into a caesar salad? Stab it twenty-three times.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft, and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

What do you call it when a boxer cums? Busting a nut.

The ones you hate most are also the ones who are by your side most.

What do you call a depressed group of kids?

Suicide squad.

"Oh daddy," the kid said. "I love you so much!"

"Hey," the man responded. "Until we get the DNA test results, I'm just Harry to you!"

How do you get an emo out of a tree? You cut the rope.

Son: Dad, do you remember your first blowjob?

Dad: Ohhh yeah, I do!

Son: How did it taste?

Dad: Get out.

Where do you learn to make ice cream? -- Sundae school.

What's the difference between you and eggs? Eggs get laid.

How do you confuse Helen Keller? You rearrange the furniture and glue doorknobs to the walls.

What is the difference between a suicidal person and you? None, you are both dead on the inside.