Captain jokes
What do Michael Jackson and the Captain from the Spongebob theme song have in common? They both say "are you ready kids?"
Titanic was sinking.
Passenger: "How far are we from land?"
Captain: "Two miles."
Passenger: "Which direction?"
Captain: "Down."
There was a plane crash. The pilot's names were Captain Sum Ting Wong, Wi Tu Lo, Ho Lee Fuk, and Bang Ding Ow.
What cereal do I eat?
Captain Bolts.
Your mom said my cum tastes like Captain Crunch, bitch.
What do you call a fast boat?
Usain Boat.
Yo momma's titty milk taste like Captain Crunch.
Luisa: The ship doesn't swerve, as it heard how big the iceberg is.
Captain of the Titanic: Wait, what did you say?
3 minutes later:
Why didn't I listen to the strong one?
"Jack Sparrow."
"Captain, Captain Jack Sparrow!"
A blind pilot walks into a plane waving his walking stick.
The passengers all look at each other in disbelief. The flight attendant gets on the PA and says,
"Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, the captain is legally blind, but rest assured, he is one of the best pilots in the world with over six thousand successful flights."
Next the co-pilot makes his way to the plane, and he is also blind and uses his walking stick to make it to the cabin.
The flight attendant gets on the PA and says,
"Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, the co-pilot is also blind, but rest assured, he is the second-best pilot in the world with over five thousand successful flights."
At this point, the plane begins to take off from the runway. As it gains speed, the passengers grow tenser. The plane keeps accelerating more and more, and as it approaches the end of the runway, it still hasn't left the ground. The plane is approaching the end of the runway at high speed, and the passengers scream, "Oh my God, we're all going to die!"
Suddenly, the plane takes off and begins its ascent.
The pilot turns to the co-pilot and says, "The day they stop screaming, we're screwed."
"Captain, captain, there's a man lashed to the mainmast."
"That's your lookout."
It's tricky when you're both a moth and a sea captain in charge of a ship, but up ahead, you see a lighthouse.
kapteyn = captain
Even Captain Cook couldn't discover your forehead.
Last words of the captain of the Titanic... "Where's all this water come from?"
Q: What's a ship's least favorite food? A: Iceburg-ers
If the captain of the Titanic was dumb, he would eat the iceberg.
Why do Pirates say "Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!"?
First time out at sea, they prepare for battle and say to their commander:
"The canons be ready, Captain!"
"Are," says the Captain (correcting their grammar).
"Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!" they all exclaimed!
"Captain, captain, the armadillo has been sighted by the lizard!"
Michael Jackson was on a boat with a bunch of children. The boat captain comes up to him and says, "Michael, we've come into some trouble and the boat is about to sink. We need to get off the boat right now." "But what about the children?" The captain said, "F*** them." Michael Jackson responded, "Is there enough time?"