You jokes

3/7 of a chicken, 2/3 cat, 1/2 goat. What do you get when you cross those?

Answer: Chi-ca-go

I'm not saying I hate you. I'm just saying that if I could go back in time, I'd give your mom a coat hanger.

Why is reverse cowgirl banned in Alabama? Because you should never turn your back on family.

what do you call a terrorist attack in india?

a wednesday.

What's the best thing about Alzheimer's?

You can hide your own Easter Eggs!

How do you get a Koala to fall asleep?

Sing a koala-by.

What do you call a group of depressed kids?

Suicide squad.

I told someone some jokes, y'know? "Fruit Ninja," "barcode legs," "French puppet thigh wrings." And she was like saying that's not cool and stuff. So she reported me, and it was like:

The counselor: "So I've heard you've been making sh jokes?" Me: "You say it like it's a bad thing." Her: "It is." Me: "Chill bro, it ain't that deep. Don't worry I'll end it :)"

How many gay guys can you fit on a bar stool? Four, just flip it over.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with 3 legs?

Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with 2 legs?

Your mom.

After a lord comes back from vacation, he meets the gardener at the gates of his park.

Lord: "Has something happened while I was gone?"

Gardener: "Ah, nothing much, I just broke a shovel while I was burying your dog."

Lord: "My dog died?!"

Gardener: "Yes, it choked on the smoke when your mansion burnt down."

Lord: "My mansion?! How?!"

Gardener: "Well, your wife was distraught and dropped a candle on the curtains."

Lord: "Why was she so distraught?"

Gardener: "She received the news of your daughter being kidnapped."

Lord: "My daughter! Don't you have any positive news for me?!"

Gardener: "Oh right! Your cancer test results!"

Why don't you ever see hippos hiding in trees? Because they are really good at it.

What do you get when you insert human DNA into a goat? Banned from the petting zoo!

What do you call someone that illegally transports cups? - A s-mug-gler.

Did you hear about the person who invented the door knocker?

He won a no-bell prize.

What do you call a bunch of white people running down a hill? An avalanche.

What about Mexicans you may ask? A mudslide.

What about black people running down a hill?? A jailbreak.

Man to woman: "Would you sleep with me for one million dollars?"

Woman: "Sure."

Man: "How about for ten dollars?"

Woman: "What do you think I am?"

Man: "We’ve already established what you are. All we’re doing is negotiating price."

Baptism, a chance for the priest to bathe you.

What can you tell a dog, but not your girlfriend? Come.

Pickup line; Hey mama, you school? Cuz I'd like to shoot some kids up in you.