You jokes
You know how in Pinocchio the French puppets have the thigh rings?
Well, I got them too! Only red and thinner.
Why is it so hard to choose between buying a Subaru or a Volvo? Because you’re deciding whether you want to look like a rapist or a pedophile.
I was exploring a haunted mansion when I encountered a ghost named Pristiano Penaldo. He asked if I supported Burnley as he wanted to statpad against me. Luckily, I pulled out my trusty Liverpool shirt, and he disappeared. Shame on you, Penaldo.
I have the brains of an old man and the heart of a child. If you don't believe me, I can pop my trunk.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away...
Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough.... 🥵🤣
Memes
What do you say before you jump off a building?
Parkour!
My girlfriend said onions were the only foods that make you cry.
Until I threw a watermelon in her face.
What do you call a suicide bomber in a wheelchair?
An RCXD (remote control explosive).
A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, "Anything you say can and will be held against you." The man replies, "Boobs!"
Kid: What is the biggest mistake you made in your life?
Parents: Go look above the bathroom sink.
Kid goes and looks, but then he realizes.
Why can orphans never be kidnapped?
No one can tell them that "your parents said that they would be delayed and I was told to pick you up."
How do you get a depressed man out of the tree? You cut the rope.
Me: "Comment if you love yourself and give me a reason."
Friends: comments give reason.
Me: "Notice how I commented nothing."
Day later:
Mom: Let me see your TikTok.
Me: Shows her the video.
Mom: calls suicide.
JK, she just beat me for posting a video on her.
I’m not into watching sunsets, but I’d love to see you go down.
You know what I saw today?
Everything I looked at.
A man walks into a library and asks to borrow a book on how to commit suicide.
The librarian says, “No, you won’t bring it back.”
How do you know you’re ugly?
If you always get handed the camera for group photos.
What do you call an emo kid's suicide live stream?
America's funniest home videos.
"You wanna play the rape game?" "No." "That's the spirit!"
You: "Captain, where is this plane going?"
Captain: "New York, 175 Greenwich Street."