You jokes

Did you hear the joke about the butter?

What is it?

I can’t tell you, you’ll spread it.

What do you call a nosy pepper?

Jalapeno.

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? Are you kidding? Feminists can’t change anything.

Hey God, what are you making?

Just a wooden stick that lights on fire.

Sounds like a match made in heaven.

What do you call a smurf with no arms or legs?

A paintball.

A pedophile was holding a bag of chocolates and then approached a little girl at the park.

"Hey little girl! If you give me a teeny-tiny kissy-kiss on the tip of my wee-wee, I'll give you a piece of my chocolate!"

The little girl replies, "If I suck your whole cock, can I have the whole bag?"

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. “No,” says the neighbor. “The seat is empty.” “This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?” The neighbor says, “Well, actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.” “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible... But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbor to take her seat?” The man shakes his head. “No,” he says. “They’re all at the funeral.”

So the other day, I was looking up zodiac sign stuff, you know, I'm a real big fan of that, and I come across this thing and it’s like all zodiac signs have their own hairstyles... except Cancer.

An apple a day keeps a doctor away... at least if you throw it hard enough.

What's the difference between you and a fridge? The fridge doesn't moan when I put my meat in.

What do you call 4 Mexicans stuck in quick sand?

Quatro Sinco.

What do you call a gay barbecue?

LGTBBQ.

Fun fact! You can hold your breath till the rest of your life.

Did you hear about the kidnapping? Yeah, he woke up.

You want to hear a dirty joke? Jonny played in the mud. You want to hear a clean joke? Jonny took a bath with bubbles. You want to hear a dirty joke? Bubbles was the next door neighbor.

So a guy is walking with a young boy into the woods.

The boy turns to the man and says, "Hey mister, it's getting dark out, and I’m scared... Can we go back now?"

So the man says: "How do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone!"

What do you call a group of depressed kids with guns?

The suicide squad.

Why should you be wary of stairs? -- Because they are always up to something.

How do you think the unthinkable? With an iceberg.

Hitler visits a lunatic asylum. The patients give the Hitler salute. As he passes down the line, he comes across a woman who isn't saluting.

"Why are you not saluting like the others?" Hitler barks.

"Mein Führer, I'm the nurse," she responds. "I'm not crazy!"