You jokes

Did you hear about the kidnapping? Yeah, he woke up.

You want to hear a dirty joke? Jonny played in the mud. You want to hear a clean joke? Jonny took a bath with bubbles. You want to hear a dirty joke? Bubbles was the next door neighbor.

So a guy is walking with a young boy into the woods.

The boy turns to the man and says, "Hey mister, it's getting dark out, and I’m scared... Can we go back now?"

So the man says: "How do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone!"

Why should you be wary of stairs? -- Because they are always up to something.

What do you call a group of depressed kids with guns?

The suicide squad.

How do you think the unthinkable? With an iceberg.

Did you hear about the exciting new drug they developed for lesbians with depression? They call it: TRICOXAGIN.

3/7 of a chicken, 2/3 cat, 1/2 goat. What do you get when you cross those?

Answer: Chi-ca-go

Why is reverse cowgirl banned in Alabama? Because you should never turn your back on family.

what do you call a terrorist attack in india?

a wednesday.

I'm not saying I hate you. I'm just saying that if I could go back in time, I'd give your mom a coat hanger.

What do you call a group of depressed kids?

Suicide squad.

How do you get a Koala to fall asleep?

Sing a koala-by.

If you faked the moon mission, don't apollo-gize.

I told someone some jokes, y'know? "Fruit Ninja," "barcode legs," "French puppet thigh wrings." And she was like saying that's not cool and stuff. So she reported me, and it was like:

The counselor: "So I've heard you've been making sh jokes?" Me: "You say it like it's a bad thing." Her: "It is." Me: "Chill bro, it ain't that deep. Don't worry I'll end it :)"

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with 3 legs?

Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with 2 legs?

Your mom.

After a lord comes back from vacation, he meets the gardener at the gates of his park.

Lord: "Has something happened while I was gone?"

Gardener: "Ah, nothing much, I just broke a shovel while I was burying your dog."

Lord: "My dog died?!"

Gardener: "Yes, it choked on the smoke when your mansion burnt down."

Lord: "My mansion?! How?!"

Gardener: "Well, your wife was distraught and dropped a candle on the curtains."

Lord: "Why was she so distraught?"

Gardener: "She received the news of your daughter being kidnapped."

Lord: "My daughter! Don't you have any positive news for me?!"

Gardener: "Oh right! Your cancer test results!"

Why don't you ever see hippos hiding in trees? Because they are really good at it.

How do you verify a rape claim? You make it true, and then the person is a victim for sure.

What type of people think rape jokes are funny?

Only the coolest people in the world! I fucking love you guys 😂