Yesterday jokes

Joe's pizzeria and abortion clinic.

Yesterday's loss is today's sauce.

Why can't you fool an aborted baby?

Because it wasn't born yesterday.

Me and my cousin went to a restaurant yesterday.

I ordered my chicken fried, he ordered his chicken alive.

I killed a Wood elf yesterday. The guard charged me with... mer-der.

Did you hear about the cannibal who passed a politician in the jungle yesterday?

I hear it hurt like hell.

I fell down yesterday.

Hello, welcome to Joe’s Pizzeria and Abortion Clinic, where yesterday’s loss is today’s sauce! How may I help you today?

How bad is explosive diarrhea when a Muslim has it? Because my Chipotle blew up yesterday.

"I was walking in the yard yesterday and a bug stepped on me. Why, you ask? Because the bug didn't know I was there."

"I was lost in the woods yesterday."

"I was in some sticky situation..."

Watched a really cool cartoon about rabbits with Down syndrome yesterday. You should try watching it on catch up... "Watership Down."

Yesterday, I was on a reality TV show where they locked me up with all those smelly monkeys from the Leger Zoo. It was complete madness.

Son: Dad, what are those two huge balloons on mommy's chest?

Dad: I don't see balloons, but I see boobs. I mean, yes, balloons.

Son: Are you sure they're balloons? Yesterday I heard Uncle Frank trying to get a milk dispenser working.

I wrote a song about a tortilla yesterday, but it’s actually more of a rap.

Hey, yesterday I played with my sister. When I woke up, she was gone.

That feeling when elbow surgery was yesterday.

What did I eat for breakfast yesterday?

10 year olds.

My wife left me yesterday.

I haven't talked to the kids in a year.

Kid: Dad, I want Santa to give me an iPhone.

Indian poor dad: Son, Santa is deaf.

Kid: No, he is not. I saw him on TV yesterday.

Indian poor dad: Oh, actually, I asked him for a new wife. Maybe he is wearing AirPods.

Kid: You are my Santa, daddy.

Indian poor dad: Pull down your pants, son.

Kid: It's not an Apple product.

Indian poor dad: It's a banana.

Yesterday, I saw an advert with a random woman dancing, and someone said that they were beautiful.

And then I said, "Except the fat people." And then I got sent to my room for saying that.