Did you hear about the cannibal who passed a politician in the jungle yesterday?
I hear it hurt like hell.
Hello, welcome to Joe’s Pizzeria and Abortion Clinic, where yesterday’s loss is today’s sauce! How may I help you today?
I fell down yesterday.
How bad is explosive diarrhea when a Muslim has it? Because my Chipotle blew up yesterday.
"I was walking in the yard yesterday and a bug stepped on me. Why, you ask? Because the bug didn't know I was there."
"I was lost in the woods yesterday."
"I was in some sticky situation..."
Watched a really cool cartoon about rabbits with Down syndrome yesterday. You should try watching it on catch up... "Watership Down."
"Wubba Lubba Dub Dub" is one way to describe how my inner child acts, but yesterday I killed them. Now I hear "Wubba Lubba Dub Dub," I’m drowning in the tub.
I wrote a song about a tortilla yesterday, but it’s actually more of a rap.
Son: Dad, what are those two huge balloons on mommy's chest?
Dad: I don't see balloons, but I see boobs. I mean, yes, balloons.
Son: Are you sure they're balloons? Yesterday I heard Uncle Frank trying to get a milk dispenser working.
Hey, yesterday I played with my sister. When I woke up, she was gone.
Yesterday, I was on a reality TV show where they locked me up with all those smelly monkeys from the Leger Zoo. It was complete madness.
That feeling when elbow surgery was yesterday.
What did I eat for breakfast yesterday?
10 year olds.
My wife left me yesterday.
I haven't talked to the kids in a year.
Kid: Dad, I want Santa to give me an iPhone.
Indian poor dad: Son, Santa is deaf.
Kid: No, he is not. I saw him on TV yesterday.
Indian poor dad: Oh, actually, I asked him for a new wife. Maybe he is wearing AirPods.
Kid: You are my Santa, daddy.
Indian poor dad: Pull down your pants, son.
Kid: It's not an Apple product.
Indian poor dad: It's a banana.
My wife saw me hit the best drive yesterday with my golf clubs.
I must have drove that chihuahua 300 yards.
Imagine getting rickrolled. Oh, I forgot, you already got rickrolled yesterday.
This is Riley abortion clinic. Yesterday's loss is today's sauce.
I had to take my pet octopus to the vet yesterday.
Oh, don’t worry, he’s okay now.
But the vet charged me six quid.
