Past Jokes

Anonymous
in School

An old teacher asked her student, “If I say, ‘I am beautiful,’ which tense is that?” The student replied, “It is obviously past.”

Anonymous
in Grammar

The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar…

It was tense.

5
Artemas

Three men are outside Heaven’s gates waiting to be go to through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them “Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven”.

The first guy says “I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times”. The angel gives him an old model pick up, the second guy says “11 years and only once” and is granted a Mercedes.

The last man says “20 years and not once , I loved her with all my heart” and with the angel impressed he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men. Hours later the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says " I know we are dead but it could be much worse".

The guy looks up and says “How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard”

Your name (optional)
in Puns

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied, “I see millions of stars.”

“What does that tell you?”

Watson pondered for a minute.

“Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.” “Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.” “Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.” “Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.” “Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.” “What does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: “Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!”

Jason Dean

Today my mom gave me a lecture on how to stay safe during school shootings and when my brother walked past my mom asked me a question "what do you think of going through kids heads during a school shooting " That’s when my brother came back downstairs and said to me and my mom “bullets” we don’t talk about this anymore

Anonymous

I’ve been looking for my ex girlfriend’s killer for the past two years. But no one would do it.

Nathan Nguyen

You travel to the past into the era where julius caesar is still alive. He thinks you may be from the future to bring him good news. He asks you, "How do I die?¨

You reply with: ¨Surrounded by friends¨

1
Anonymous

dont worry stephen hawking isnt dead. they have just got to copy and paste his memory onto a usb.

0
Anonymous
in Blonde

Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? The cabinet had sleeping pills.

DarkJoker
in Boyfriend

What do you call you’re daughter’s boyfriend when he brings her back past 10pm?

An ambulance

Joe Biden’s speeches are so motivational. In fact, I have been stuck at home these past few weeks, and his well articulated words were enough for me to muster up the courage to jump off of a 10 story building.

Anonymous

When your driving past a graveyard say: wow people were just dying to get in there.

RyanRLinden

An Irishman walked past a bar.

Xx Worst at Jokes xX

Joke 1# ’ Knock Knock ’ Whos there? ’ Pastur ’ Pastur who? ’ Past ur bedtime '.

Joke 2# Why does a slug always win a race? Because its components always stop for a break.

Joke 3# Your momas so fat when she stepped on the weigh it said, " I asked for your weigh not you phone number. "

Me: What the diffrtn between me and my grandpa? Friends: What? Me I’ve been alive for the past 14 years

Anonymous

Have you ever walked past Steven Hawkings house? No neither has he

Anonymous

I was 11 or 12 at the time.

Guy (passing me): How are you doing? Me, an autist: Pretty bad honestly. Guy (continued walking past me) Me: …

If you didn’t know, “what’s up” and “how are you doing” are phatic expressions in the United States, meaning that they’re said as greetings even though they literally mean something else.

Snover1:You can’t pass through Snow Way!

Squirtle: Why I can’t pass through Snow Way?

Snover1: There’s snow in the way.

Snover2:Yeah, you can’t get past through the snow while it’s on the way, to continous.

Squirtle: What? There’s snow in here the whole time. What is this? Snow Society-?!

“AAAAARRRGGH!!”

Squirtle:Who is that?

Snover2:That is Snow.

Squirtle:What?! That is giant snow tree thing is Abomasnow!

Snover2:Oops! Don’t be a Halt!

“Haaaaaaaaallllltttt!!!”

“Aaaaaauuuuggghhhh!”

Snovers: That was a JOKE, Squirtle be FROZEN, just let it go, let it go!

fibs
in Mum

yo mama so fAt that when she walked past the TV you missed 3 episodes of your favourite show.

BossCoast
in Stupid

Q: Why are the 49’s called the 49’s? A: Cause they can’t make it past the 50 yard line.