"I only want to play with your daughter. It was okay yesterday."
I had to take my pet octopus to the vet yesterday.
Oh, don't worry, he's okay now.
But the vet charged me six quid.
Why can't you fool an aborted fetus?
Because it wasn't born yesterday.
Yesterday I asked my friend, "What is a fish without eyes?"
They replied, "I don’t know."
I said, "Fsh."
Got fired from the bank yesterday.
They caught me drinking on the job.
Yesterday my mom forgot to go grocery shopping, and I was starving, so I kept opening the fridge about 100 times, but nothing new was in there.
"Hi, this is Pete's pizzeria and abortion clinic, where yesterday's loss is today's sauce."
Say this when you answer a spam call...
"Hi, welcome to Bob's Taco Shack and Funeral Home, where yesterday's grief is today's beef."
(Phone call) This is Frank's funeral home and grill, where yesterday's grief is today's beef. How may we help you?
I broke up with my emo girlfriend yesterday, look who came crawling back!
I tried to catch fog yesterday...
Mist.
I was just informed that my ex was stabbed yesterday. Let's just say I quit my job as a butcher.
I noticed my friend's hairline yesterday. I could tell it was a Supercuts hair salon haircut, so how I could tell was 'cuz it was super alright, super lame.
Yesterday I purchased a world map and told my wife to throw a dart, and wherever it lands, I will take her. Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.
Yesterday, I tried to help a little girl by a road stop crying. I asked her where her parents were, and that made her cry harder. So then I asked her where her house was, and she said with tears, "I don't have one." So I got her in my car and drove her to where she said she was living. It was an orphanage.
One day there were these 3 cowboys sitting next to a fire and they were telling each other about their adventures. Well, the first cowboy said, "I tangled with a bull that killed 6 people, so I wrestled that son of a bitch to the ground with my bare hands."
The second cowboy said, "That's nothing. Yesterday I was walking on a trail and came across a rattler, so I picked it up, bit its head off, and drank all his venom in one gulp."
The third cowboy remained quiet, stirring the embers of the fire with his penis.
Yesterday, a 5-year-old dyslexic boy almost saved his mother from drowning, but he kept dialing 119...
I went to a book store yesterday and I saw a book that said "how to solve 50% of your problems." So I bought 2.
Yesterday I made a website for orphans, but it doesn't have a home.
Yesterday I was in a wind storm.
Today my ears hurt. I guess the wind was ear-itating.
