Yesterday jokes

Yesterday, there was a blackout on my street.

So I sold them.

Me and my cousin went to a restaurant yesterday.

I ordered my chicken fried, he ordered his chicken alive.

"Wubba Lubba Dub Dub" is one way to describe how my inner child acts, but yesterday I killed them. Now I hear "Wubba Lubba Dub Dub," I’m drowning in the tub.

Yesterday, I saw a "woman's rights" book in the library, so I put it in the fiction section and got kicked out.

Me: I bombed the 2 tests yesterday.

Friend: What were the tests about?

Me: Japan.

Yesterday, I tried to help a little girl by a road stop crying. I asked her where her parents were, and that made her cry harder. So then I asked her where her house was, and she said with tears, "I don't have one." So I got her in my car and drove her to where she said she was living. It was an orphanage.

I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday.

It was a Risk I was willing to take.

If someone calls you, just say:

"This is Peter's abortion clinic and pizza restaurant, where yesterday's loss is today's sauce!"

Watched a really cool cartoon about rabbits with Down syndrome yesterday. You should try watching it on catch up... "Watership Down."

I met an orphan with a dog yesterday. I chose the dog.

My friend committed suicide yesterday... At least he went out with a bang.

I just got off the phone with Kristen Stewart yesterday. She said I was invited to her cookout this Friday. I said I'll come by and bring some drinks, like wine, beer, and liquor, so we can get our freak on all night and drink some cherry wine until daybreak ends.

I had the best butterfingers yesterday.

I dropped it.

My girlfriend broke up with me this morning, and we just started dating yesterday.

Now she's having a breakfast.

My crush: "I cut 4 inches off my hair yesterday." Me: "So?" My crush: "4 inches is a lot!" Me: "Oh yeah?"

Yesterday I went to a party at my friend’s house. Everyone was dressed as birthday candles. It was a blowout.

Yesterday I made food using oil--olive oil.

(I love oil!)

My wife left me yesterday.

I haven't talked to the kids in a year.

I saw my wife at the dam yesterday, which sucks because I wanted her to flow further down.

My mom told me yesterday that in this Valentine, we should take our love to new heights. So tomorrow I'm prepared to fuck her in "The Hot Seat" position.