I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday. That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.
I showed my girlfriend my shotgun yesterday. It really blew her away.
I saw a little kid crying yesterday, so I asked him where his parents were. God, I love working at an orphanage.
I had a horrible nightmare yesterday. I was in room filled with all of my ex's, so I was completely alone.
Why do orphans become criminals? To know what it’s like to be Wanted.
Why are orphans bad at poker? They don’t know what a full house is.
I saw a child crying yesterday so I asked him where his parents were. Bad move. I got fired from my job at the orphanage.
What do you call an orphan’s family reunion? Me time.
Did you know? The letter ‘f’ in orphan stands for family.
What is an orphan’s least favorite song? We are Family.
What’s an orphan’s least favorite tv show? Family Guy.
What’s an orphan’s least favorite movie? Meet the Parents.
What’s an orphan’s least favorite type of music? House.
Next: Inappropriate Jokes
What’s an orphan’s least favorite store? Home Depot.
What’s an orphan’s favorite band? Foster the People.
What do you call a virgin from Alabama? An orphan.
Where do orphan chickens end up? Foster Farms
What beer do orphans drink? Foster’s.
Why do orphans have water with their cereal? Because their dad never came back with the milk.
What do you call a fish with no parents? An orfin
Why do orphans like playing tennis? Because it’s the only love they get.
Me: Are you an orphan? Orphan: Yes, what gave me away? Me: Your parents.
I was in school yesterday and I saw this emo kid with a new cut so I said, "I like ya cut g." And I slapped him. I don't know why I got in so much trouble. All I did was slap his wrist.
Dad: Son, everyone in your class got COVID. Son (in a happy tone): I know. Dad: How do you know and why are you so glad? Son: Well yesterday you told me to spread positivity.
If someone calls you, reply with this “Hi this is Dave’s orphanage and pizzeria, where yesterday’s loss is today’s sauce! How may I assist you today?
I got detention yesterday because I told the emo kid to "Hang in there."
Why can't you fool an aborted fetus? Because it wasn't born yesterday
Doctor: I have good news and I have worse news Patient: Well what's the bad news Doctor: You have one day left to live Patient: What news could possibly be worse Doctor: I've been trying to contact you sense yesterday
I went to the National Redhead Meeting yesterday. Not a soul in sight.
Someone butt dialed me again yesterday. It seems that only assholes want to speak to me.
"Son, I found a condom in your room."
"Gee, thanks, Grandpa!"
"Why are you calling me Grandpa?"
"Because I couldn't find it yesterday."
I was reading a book about an immortal dog yesterday...
It was impossible to put down
Why can’t you ever trick an aborted baby?
Because it wasn’t born yesterday 🤭
Sunday was a sad day but yesterday was a sadderday
i bought shoes from a drug dealer yesterday- i dont know what he laced them with but i was trippen all day
Yesterday in my dream I ate a ten pound marshmallow, when I woke up my pillow was gone