Girlfriend

Emotionless husk

I showed my girlfriend my shotgun yesterday. It really blew her away.

Puns

Monarchia

I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.

Girl

Anonymous

I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday. That takes the number of girls I’ve made wet this year to -1.

Ex

wwut

I had a horrible nightmare yesterday. I was in room filled with all of my ex’s, so I was completely alone.

Dad

Anonymous

The weirdest thing happened yesterday. My dad came back from work…

He’s a suicide bomber.

Puns

Anonymous

Yesterday in my dream I ate a ten pound marshmallow, when I woke up my pillow was gone

Hair

Anonymous

I went to the National Redhead Meeting yesterday. Not a soul in sight.

Butterfly

imgay2

Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when i saw her kill a butterfly. I told her that as a punishment, she won’t eat butter for 1 month. Today i saw her killing a cockroach in the kitchen. I told her “nice try”.

Puns

Wat

Yesterday, a clown held the door open for me. It was such a nice jester! :D

Doctor

Anonymous

Doctor: I have good news and I have worse news Patient: Well what’s the bad news Doctor: You have one day left to live Patient: What news could possibly be worse Doctor: I’ve been trying to contact you sense yesterday

Dog

Anonymous

I was reading a book about an immortal dog yesterday…

It was impossible to put down

Son

Anonymous

“Son, I found a condom in your room.”

“Gee, thanks, Grandpa!”

“Why are you calling me Grandpa?”

“Because I couldn’t find it yesterday.”

Dad

oof

I told my friend yesterday he’s literally my dad.

He didn’t show up for the rest of the year.

Born

Person

Why can’t you fool an aborted fetus? Because it wasn’t born yesterday

Puns

Anonymous

Someone butt dialed me again yesterday. It seems that only assholes want to speak to me.

Trump

DIC PUNCHER

i bought shoes from a drug dealer yesterday- i dont know what he laced them with but i was trippen all day

Friend

Anonymous

Me: I bombed the 2 tests yesterday Friend: What were the tests about? Me: Japan

Darkness

Tickle ur pickle

yesterday i tickled my granddaughters feet she is being born in 2 months

Time

BadJokes204

I got some new jeans yesterday, until I realised they didn’t fit me around the waist so I went looking for a belt. I couldn’t find one. Then I had a really good idea. I could attach a ton of watches together to make a belt! But then I just thought it was a waist of time.

Baby

Anonymous

Why can’t you ever trick an aborted baby?

Because it wasn’t born yesterday 🤭

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