Puns

Monarchia

I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.

6

Girlfriend

Emotionless husk

I showed my girlfriend my shotgun yesterday. It really blew her away.

3
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Orphan

Anonymous

i saw a little kid crying yesterday, so i asked him where his parents were. God i love working at an orphanage

Ex

wwut

I had a horrible nightmare yesterday. I was in room filled with all of my ex’s, so I was completely alone.

3

Wet

Anonymous

I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday. That takes the number of girls I’ve made wet this year to -1.

2
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Dad

Anonymous

The weirdest thing happened yesterday. My dad came back from work…

He’s a suicide bomber.

9

Redhead

Anonymous

I went to the National Redhead Meeting yesterday. Not a soul in sight.

Orphanage

J0K3ST3R

If someone calls you, reply with this “Hi this is Dave’s orphanage and pizzeria, where yesterday’s loss is today’s sauce! How may I assist you today?

Dream

Anonymous

Yesterday in my dream I ate a ten pound marshmallow, when I woke up my pillow was gone

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Doctor

Anonymous

Doctor: I have good news and I have worse news Patient: Well what’s the bad news Doctor: You have one day left to live Patient: What news could possibly be worse Doctor: I’ve been trying to contact you sense yesterday

4

Clown

Wat

Yesterday, a clown held the door open for me. It was such a nice jester! :D

Dad

oof

I told my friend yesterday he’s literally my dad.

He didn’t show up for the rest of the year.

Daughter

imgay2

Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when i saw her kill a butterfly. I told her that as a punishment, she won’t eat butter for 1 month. Today i saw her killing a cockroach in the kitchen. I told her “nice try”.

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Son

Anonymous

“Son, I found a condom in your room.”

“Gee, thanks, Grandpa!”

“Why are you calling me Grandpa?”

“Because I couldn’t find it yesterday.”

2

Born

Person

Why can’t you fool an aborted fetus? Because it wasn’t born yesterday

0

Puns

Anonymous

Someone butt dialed me again yesterday. It seems that only assholes want to speak to me.

4

Drug

DIC PUNCHER

i bought shoes from a drug dealer yesterday- i dont know what he laced them with but i was trippen all day

9
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Read

Anonymous

I was reading a book about an immortal dog yesterday…

It was impossible to put down

Mirror

Anonymous

I looked in the mirror yesterday. I still have nightmares…

Bomb

Anonymous

Me: I bombed the 2 tests yesterday Friend: What were the tests about? Me: Japan