I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
I was in school yesterday and I saw this emo kid with a new cut so I said, "I like ya cut g." And I slapped him. I don't know why I got in so much trouble. All I did was slap his wrist.
Doctor: I have good news and I have worse news Patient: Well what's the bad news Doctor: You have one day left to live Patient: What news could possibly be worse Doctor: I've been trying to contact you sense yesterday
Dad: Son, everyone in your class got COVID. Son (in a happy tone): I know. Dad: How do you know and why are you so glad? Son: Well yesterday you told me to spread positivity.
Why can't you fool an aborted fetus? Because it wasn't born yesterday
I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday. That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.
I saw a little kid crying yesterday, so I asked him where his parents were. God, I love working at an orphanage.
"Son, I found a condom in your room."
"Gee, thanks, Grandpa!"
"Why are you calling me Grandpa?"
"Because I couldn't find it yesterday."
I was reading a book about an immortal dog yesterday...
It was impossible to put down
Sunday was a sad day but yesterday was a sadderday
I showed my girlfriend my shotgun yesterday. It really blew her away.
I wrote down a speech at home yesterday. When I got to school I was speechless.
I called the Chinese takeaway yesterday A man picked up the phone and said: "Hello! I am wan kin the chef." I said that I'll come back later
Welcome to Morgan's Morgue and Pizzaria where yesterday's loss is today's sauce!
"I wasn't that drunk yesterday." "Oh boy you took the shower head in your arms and told it to stop crying."
Me: My gf broke up with me yesterday and I had her wheel chair
Me: guess who came crawling right back
I work in a garage and yesterday a gay person came up to me and said,"why wont my car go straight
Yesterday I wanted to look up the term "procrastination". I swear, I'll do it tomorrow.
Someone butt dialed me again yesterday. It seems that only assholes want to talk to me.
The doctor and said he had good news and bad news. The Good news is that you have 24 hours to live. The bad news is I forgot to call you yesterday.
