I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
I had a horrible nightmare yesterday. I was in room filled with all of my ex’s, so I was completely alone.
“Son, I found a condom in your room.”
“Gee, thanks, Grandpa!”
“Why are you calling me Grandpa?”
“Because I couldn’t find it yesterday.”
i bought shoes from a drug dealer yesterday- i dont know what he laced them with but i was trippen all day
I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday. That takes the number of girls I’ve made wet this year to -1.
Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when i saw her kill a butterfly. I told her that as a punishment, she won’t eat butter for 1 month. Today i saw her killing a cockroach in the kitchen. I told her “nice try”.
Yesterday I was f...ing my sister and she said’ you f... a lot like dad I said “really mum said that too.”
Doctor: I have good news and I have worse news Patient: Well what’s the bad news Doctor: You have one day left to live Patient: What news could possibly be worse Doctor: I’ve been trying to contact you sense yesterday
I got some new jeans yesterday, until I realised they didn’t fit me around the waist so I went looking for a belt. I couldn’t find one. Then I had a really good idea. I could attach a ton of watches together to make a belt! But then I just thought it was a waist of time.
The doctor and said he had good news and bad news. The Good news is that you have 24 hours to live. The bad news is I forgot to call you yesterday.