Yesterday jokes

I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.

I went to the National Redhead Meeting yesterday.

Not a soul in sight.

Yesterday in my dream I ate a ten pound marshmallow, when I woke up, my pillow was gone.

Welcome to Antonio’s pizza and abortion, where yesterday’s loss is today’s sauce!

I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday. That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.

I bought shoes from a drug dealer yesterday. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.

I had a horrible nightmare yesterday. I was in a room filled with all of my ex's, so I was completely alone.

Doctor: "I have good news and I have worse news." Patient: "Well, what's the bad news?" Doctor: "You have one day left to live." Patient: "What news could possibly be worse?" Doctor: "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday!"

If someone calls you, reply with this: “Hi, this is Dave’s orphanage and pizzeria, where yesterday’s loss is today’s sauce! How may I assist you today?”

Hey, yesterday I played with my sister. When I woke up, she was gone.

Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. I told her that, as a punishment, she won't eat butter for 1 month.

Today I saw her killing a cockroach in the kitchen. I told her "nice try".

I had the best butterfingers yesterday.

I dropped it.

Yesterday I went to a party at my friend’s house. Everyone was dressed as birthday candles. It was a blowout.

This is Riley abortion clinic. Yesterday's loss is today's sauce.

I had to take my pet octopus to the vet yesterday.

Oh, don’t worry, he’s okay now.

But the vet charged me six quid.

I showed my girlfriend my shotgun yesterday. It really blew her away.

The weirdest thing happened yesterday. My dad came back from work... He’s a suicide bomber.

Hey guys! I'm back! Sorry I didn't post yesterday! I had swim practice, and a bunch of homework, but here I am! And here is the quote of the day!

"Push yourself, because no one will do it for you."

Love y'all so much!

My ex got hit by a bus yesterday. I nearly lost my job.

One day, a chemistry teacher asked his student, whose name is Raj, "What is the chemical formula of water?"

The Raj replied, "HIJKLMNO."

The teacher asked, "What is this rubbish?"

The Raj replied, "Yesterday, you taught the chemical formula of water is H2O."