I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.

I showed my girlfriend my shotgun yesterday. It really blew her away.

i saw a little kid crying yesterday, so i asked him where his parents were. God i love working at an orphanage

I had a horrible nightmare yesterday. I was in room filled with all of my ex’s, so I was completely alone.

I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday. That takes the number of girls I’ve made wet this year to -1.

The weirdest thing happened yesterday. My dad came back from work…

He’s a suicide bomber.

I went to the National Redhead Meeting yesterday. Not a soul in sight.

If someone calls you, reply with this “Hi this is Dave’s orphanage and pizzeria, where yesterday’s loss is today’s sauce! How may I assist you today?

Yesterday in my dream I ate a ten pound marshmallow, when I woke up my pillow was gone

Doctor: I have good news and I have worse news Patient: Well what’s the bad news Doctor: You have one day left to live Patient: What news could possibly be worse Doctor: I’ve been trying to contact you sense yesterday

Yesterday, a clown held the door open for me. It was such a nice jester! :D

I told my friend yesterday he’s literally my dad.

He didn’t show up for the rest of the year.

Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when i saw her kill a butterfly. I told her that as a punishment, she won’t eat butter for 1 month. Today i saw her killing a cockroach in the kitchen. I told her “nice try”.

“Son, I found a condom in your room.”

“Gee, thanks, Grandpa!”

“Why are you calling me Grandpa?”

“Because I couldn’t find it yesterday.”

Why can’t you fool an aborted fetus? Because it wasn’t born yesterday

Someone butt dialed me again yesterday. It seems that only assholes want to speak to me.

i bought shoes from a drug dealer yesterday- i dont know what he laced them with but i was trippen all day

I was reading a book about an immortal dog yesterday…

It was impossible to put down

I looked in the mirror yesterday. I still have nightmares…

Me: I bombed the 2 tests yesterday Friend: What were the tests about? Me: Japan