Yesterday jokes

I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.

I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday. That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.

I went to the National Redhead Meeting yesterday.

Not a soul in sight.

I bought shoes from a drug dealer yesterday. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.

I had a horrible nightmare yesterday. I was in a room filled with all of my ex's, so I was completely alone.

If someone calls you, reply with this: “Hi, this is Dave’s orphanage and pizzeria, where yesterday’s loss is today’s sauce! How may I assist you today?”

Yesterday in my dream I ate a ten pound marshmallow, when I woke up, my pillow was gone.

Doctor: "I have good news and I have worse news." Patient: "Well, what's the bad news?" Doctor: "You have one day left to live." Patient: "What news could possibly be worse?" Doctor: "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday!"

Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. I told her that, as a punishment, she won't eat butter for 1 month.

Today I saw her killing a cockroach in the kitchen. I told her "nice try".

Welcome to Antonio’s pizza and abortion, where yesterday’s loss is today’s sauce!

I showed my girlfriend my shotgun yesterday. It really blew her away.

I saw a little kid crying yesterday, so I asked him where his parents were. God, I love working at an orphanage.

I got detention yesterday because I told the emo kid to "Hang in there."

My friend committed suicide yesterday... At least he went out with a bang.

I told my friend yesterday he's literally my dad.

He didn't show up for the rest of the year.

I was in school yesterday and I saw this emo kid with a new cut, so I said, "I like ya cut g." And I slapped him. I don't know why I got in so much trouble. All I did was slap his wrist.

Dad: Son, everyone in your class got COVID.

Son (in a happy tone): I know.

Dad: How do you know and why are you so glad?

Son: Well, yesterday you told me to spread positivity.

An orphanage got robbed yesterday. Let's just say that's the second worst thing to happen to those orphans. At least they didn't end up like their parents.

Why can't you fool an aborted fetus? Because it wasn't born yesterday.

Father and mother are making love in the bedroom. Mother is on top of father. Suddenly, the son enters the bedroom. Everyone is embarrassed, of course.

The next morning, the mother takes the little boy aside and says, "I'll tell you about what you saw yesterday. You know, Dad has a big belly, and that's why Mom sometimes sits on top of that belly to push it flat." The little boy says, "But Mama, that does not make any difference." "Oh no?" the mom asks. "No," says the little boy, "When you go to work, the neighbor comes, and she puts herself on her knees for Dad, and she blows his belly up again!"