Yesterday

Yesterday Jokes

Soda

I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.

Umbrella

I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday. That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.

  • 3
  • Drug Dealer

    I bought shoes from a drug dealer yesterday. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.

  • 9
  • Nightmare

    I had a horrible nightmare yesterday. I was in a room filled with all of my ex's, so I was completely alone.

  • 3
  • Memes

    Orphanage

    If someone calls you, reply with this: “Hi, this is Dave’s orphanage and pizzeria, where yesterday’s loss is today’s sauce! How may I assist you today?”

  • 3
  • Marshmallow

    Yesterday in my dream I ate a ten pound marshmallow, when I woke up, my pillow was gone.

  • 1
  • News

    Doctor: "I have good news and I have worse news." Patient: "Well, what's the bad news?" Doctor: "You have one day left to live." Patient: "What news could possibly be worse?" Doctor: "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday!"

  • 5
  • Punishment

    Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. I told her that, as a punishment, she won't eat butter for 1 month.

    Today I saw her killing a cockroach in the kitchen. I told her "nice try".

  • 0
  • Abortion

    Welcome to Antonio’s pizza and abortion, where yesterday’s loss is today’s sauce!

    Orphanage

    I saw a little kid crying yesterday, so I asked him where his parents were. God, I love working at an orphanage.

    Suicide

    My friend committed suicide yesterday... At least he went out with a bang.

    Dad

    I told my friend yesterday he's literally my dad.

    He didn't show up for the rest of the year.

    Emo kid

    I was in school yesterday and I saw this emo kid with a new cut, so I said, "I like ya cut g." And I slapped him. I don't know why I got in so much trouble. All I did was slap his wrist.

    Covid

    Dad: Son, everyone in your class got COVID.

    Son (in a happy tone): I know.

    Dad: How do you know and why are you so glad?

    Son: Well, yesterday you told me to spread positivity.

    Orphan

    An orphanage got robbed yesterday. Let's just say that's the second worst thing to happen to those orphans. At least they didn't end up like their parents.

    Fetus

    Why can't you fool an aborted fetus? Because it wasn't born yesterday.

  • 1
  • Clown

    Yesterday, a clown held the door open for me. It was such a nice jester!