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I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.

The weirdest thing happened yesterday. My dad came back from work…

He’s a suicide bomber.

Someone butt dialed me again yesterday. It seems that only assholes want to speak to me.

I had a horrible nightmare yesterday. I was in room filled with all of my ex’s, so I was completely alone.

“Son, I found a condom in your room.”

“Gee, thanks, Grandpa!”

“Why are you calling me Grandpa?”

“Because I couldn’t find it yesterday.”

Yesterday, a clown held the door open for me. It was such a nice jester! :D

I went to the National Redhead Meeting yesterday. Not a soul in sight.

i bought shoes from a drug dealer yesterday- i dont know what he laced them with but i was trippen all day

I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday. That takes the number of girls I’ve made wet this year to -1.

Yesterday in my dream I ate a ten pound marshmallow, when I woke up my pillow was gone

Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when i saw her kill a butterfly. I told her that as a punishment, she won’t eat butter for 1 month. Today i saw her killing a cockroach in the kitchen. I told her “nice try”.

Why can’t you fool an aborted fetus? Because it wasn’t born yesterday

Yesterday I was f...ing my sister and she said’ you f... a lot like dad I said “really mum said that too.”

Doctor: I have good news and I have worse news Patient: Well what’s the bad news Doctor: You have one day left to live Patient: What news could possibly be worse Doctor: I’ve been trying to contact you sense yesterday

Me: I bombed the 2 tests yesterday Friend: What were the tests about? Me: Japan

I told my friend yesterday he’s literally my dad.

He didn’t show up for the rest of the year.

I got some new jeans yesterday, until I realised they didn’t fit me around the waist so I went looking for a belt. I couldn’t find one. Then I had a really good idea. I could attach a ton of watches together to make a belt! But then I just thought it was a waist of time.

The doctor and said he had good news and bad news. The Good news is that you have 24 hours to live. The bad news is I forgot to call you yesterday.

Yesterday I went to a lightbulb party.and it was lit

Someone butt dialed me again yesterday. It seems that only assholes want to talk to me.