I showed my girlfriend my shotgun yesterday. It really blew her away.

I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.

I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday. That takes the number of girls I’ve made wet this year to -1.

I had a horrible nightmare yesterday. I was in room filled with all of my ex’s, so I was completely alone.

The weirdest thing happened yesterday. My dad came back from work…

He’s a suicide bomber.

Yesterday in my dream I ate a ten pound marshmallow, when I woke up my pillow was gone

I went to the National Redhead Meeting yesterday. Not a soul in sight.

Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when i saw her kill a butterfly. I told her that as a punishment, she won’t eat butter for 1 month. Today i saw her killing a cockroach in the kitchen. I told her “nice try”.

Yesterday, a clown held the door open for me. It was such a nice jester! :D

Doctor: I have good news and I have worse news Patient: Well what’s the bad news Doctor: You have one day left to live Patient: What news could possibly be worse Doctor: I’ve been trying to contact you sense yesterday

I was reading a book about an immortal dog yesterday…

It was impossible to put down

“Son, I found a condom in your room.”

“Gee, thanks, Grandpa!”

“Why are you calling me Grandpa?”

“Because I couldn’t find it yesterday.”

I told my friend yesterday he’s literally my dad.

He didn’t show up for the rest of the year.

Why can’t you fool an aborted fetus? Because it wasn’t born yesterday

Someone butt dialed me again yesterday. It seems that only assholes want to speak to me.

i bought shoes from a drug dealer yesterday- i dont know what he laced them with but i was trippen all day

Me: I bombed the 2 tests yesterday Friend: What were the tests about? Me: Japan

yesterday i tickled my granddaughters feet she is being born in 2 months

I got some new jeans yesterday, until I realised they didn’t fit me around the waist so I went looking for a belt. I couldn’t find one. Then I had a really good idea. I could attach a ton of watches together to make a belt! But then I just thought it was a waist of time.

Why can’t you ever trick an aborted baby?

Because it wasn’t born yesterday 🤭