When jokes
When my dad left, he said he would bring back the milk, but 20 years later he only came with my new sister and eggs. And I confronted him, and he said, "I used all the milk to make your sister."
I was reading the news and read that a kid killed his family, and when they interviewed him, he said he wanted to become Batman.
What is it called when a depressed person gets a stroke?
A stroke of luck :)
When Kobe's pilot hit the mountain, he said, "Kobe."
What do women and chess have in common? When you sacrifice the females and replace them, you are more likely to win.
Memes
Spooktober meme!!!
When David lost his ID, I called him Dave. Where did Dave go during the bombing? Everywhere. Guess who came crawling back?
I told my mom to get rope for a project, and when she got home, I got the good old coat hanger out and hung myself up.
When someone saw your hairline, they thought it was a Dorito logo.
If you were driving when all of a sudden a young kid and an old man run right in front of you, what do you hit?
The brakes, you sick bastard.
When you're depressed about the world :( but you remember you will soon die :)
Today, I had an exam in school. When I was done, I raised my hand and yelled, βPisstiano Penaldo!β
My teacher smiled and took my paper. She knew I was finished.
what do you call it when a person dies in Panera Bread?
Panera dead.
I was swimming in a pool on my vacation when a fan of mine approached me. He said he wanted an autograph and gave me a pen to sign it. I accidentally dropped the pen in the pool. Suddenly, Penaldo came out of NOWHERE and dove to save it. He said he always dives for pens.
The IRS hates when you don't have to pay your taxes with this one mind-blowing trick.
I never do dark jokes, but when I feel like it, I prefer orphan jokes, 'cause they're the safest option. I mean, what are they gonna do, call their parents?
What is black when itβs clean and white when itβs dirty?
Answer: A chalkboard.
Joker gives Batman a phone.
Thomas: "Uhh, son, we need to talk... about the uhh, dressing up."
Martha: "Hello dearie, Brucie, is it ok if you visit me when you go to Joker's house?"
People say killing two birds with one stone is a good thing, but when I did it, people just looked horrified.
What do you do when you see a spaceman?
Park in it, man!
When the school shooter says, "Everybody get down!" and the autistic kid thinks it's Simon Says: πββοΈπββοΈπββοΈ