When jokes
What do gum and guns have in common?
When you pull one out, everyone wants to be your friend all of a sudden.
Why do violists smile when they play? Because ignorance is bliss, and they don't know what can't hurt them.
What does a cat say when it's angry?
- Stop stressing meowt!
Women are like tornadoes.
They scream when they are coming and take your house when they are leaving.
When you have a hand clock it goes tic-tac.
When an American has it go backwards, it's tactic.
I went to my local shooting range today but was surprised when I saw on the news that there was a school shooting in my shooting range. I don't know who snitched...
You're snorting cocaine with your buddies. Your eyes are closed, feeling the bliss of drugs, when suddenly something wet touches your nostril. Your buddy Mark stuck his PENIS in your face. You look up at Mark, and he says, "I'm sorry," and runs away, his pants still down.
Why can orphans stay out until whatever time?
Because their parents won't tell them when to come home.
Jo mama so fat that when aliens invaded earth, they said, "Wow, two in one!"
When you send a dick pic and she sends one back,
I'm glad mine is the biggest, so I get to fuck my dad again.
A lady from the city and her traveling companion were riding the train through Vermont when she noticed some cows. "What a cute bunch of cows!" she remarked.
"Not a bunch, a herd," her friend replied.
"Heard of what?"
"Herd of cows."
"Of course I've heard of cows."
"No, a cow herd."
"What do I care what a cow heard? I have no secrets to keep from a cow!"
Q. What do you get when you cross Vince Li with a bus? A. A whole lot of people who wished they'd missed the bus that day.
When you're in the World Trade Center and you connect to airplane wifi.
What do a blonde chick and a turtle both have in common?
When they're on their backs, they're screwed.
My cousin’s friend spelled “racist” wrong and when my cousin showed me, the first thing I said to my cousin’s friend is “Go to Grammarly. They REALLY teach you spelling.”
Say the drive through at McDonald's, order (don't say the sake) but when you get it ask them, "My sake?" and say, "Sake that ass."
Little Johnny sits on a chair. He notices he is sitting on something. Then he sees a plastic di**. He asks his mom, "What's that?" and Mom didn't know, so when his dad comes home from work, he sees him with the plastic di** and says, "Son, why you messing with my personal toy?"
When life gives you lemons... call them yellow oranges and sell 'em for double the price!
Yo mama is so ugly, when she got raped, the rapist was the one getting PTSD!
What's common between the penis and a Rubik's cube?
Both get hard when we play with them.