When jokes

Daughter: "I know this is weird, but I feel like someone is watching me when I am sleeping."

Father: "Sorry."

What is the difference between a whore and an onion?

You don't cry when you chop a whore.

What does a blind man say when he passes the fish market?...."Hello ladies!"

A joke becomes a dad joke when it leaves for milk and never comes back.

What do you get when you put 50 lawyers in a room with 50 lesbians? One hundred people who don't do dick.

What do you do when an orphan takes a family photo?

A selfie.

What time is it when you walk into a wall? Time to get to bed!

The police department made a new machine that will teleport you back to prison if you commit a crime. The police release 4 criminals: a hacker, a rapist, a serial killer, and a drug lord. The hacker tries to hack a bank. The hacker gets teleported back to prison. The drug lord tries to cook meth. The drug lord gets teleported back to prison. Now the serial killer decides that she wants to change, but when she sees a knife she just can’t help it. She bends down to pick up the knife and the rapist gets teleported back to prison.

What do you call an orphan when there 18?

Homeless.

What's the difference between a dead baby in a dumpster and a treasure chest? It's a surprise when you find the treasure.

What happens when a computer thinks it knows better than a human?

Ask Boeing.

You’re Russian when you go to the bathroom and Finnish when you come out. What are you in the bathroom?

European.

When the school shooter gets killed and everyone is cheering, but you walk toward his gun; "I will finish what you started."

Today in 3rd grade English, the teacher asked the kids a question, "What turns on when you take your clothes off?"

Little Elsa blushed and screamed, "You can't ask that!"

The English teacher repeats the question and Elsa screams, "I'll tell my parents on you and get you fired!"

Finally, Little Tim raises his hand, "The shower, ma'am."

The English teacher clapped her hands, "Good job, Tim, and as for you Elsa, you do not have the body for that."

What did the cannibal get when he showed up to the party late?

A cold shoulder.

One day, a girl was showering with her mom. She pointed at her mom's breasts and asked: "When can I get these?" Her mother replied: "In about 6 to 7 years when you grow up :)".

The other day, the girl's showering with her dad, and she pointed at his penis and asked: "When can I get this?" Her dad looked around and replied: "In about 20 minutes when your mom leaves the house."

I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes.

The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked away with her cardboard box.

I was digging in our garden when I found a chest completely full of gold coins.

I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

What is a government mandate?

When Obama and Biden go out to dinner together.

Yo mama so fat, when she bought a fur coat, she made a whole species extinct.