When jokes

What did Stephen Hawking say when he died?

I'm logging out.

Yo mama so ugly that when she was born, the doctor looked at her face, then at her butt and said, "Twins!"

Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump, and Angela Merkel are standing at the shore and are trying to impress each other with the accomplishments of their countries. Putin brags, "We have nuclear submarines which can stay underwater for six weeks without having to resurface!". Trump goes on, "Six weeks? That's nothing. I have the best submarines, they're underwater für at least three months!". Merkel is about to respond, when a giant steel colossus emerges from the sea. A hatch opens, a black uniform appears - "Heil Hitler! We need Diesel."

My grandpa said I was too reliant on technology when he saw me on my phone. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

Last week, I was on a plane to Manchester when suddenly the plane was hit by a ball. I wondered where it came from, but I soon realized it was none other than Penaldo practicing his free kicks. Shame on you, Penaldo, for almost killing me!

How do you know when your girlfriend is too young?

You have to make airplane noises to get her to open her mouth.

Sorry.

What do an ice cream cone and a Ukrainian orphanage have in common?

Children scream when they melt.

What does a baby and a hand grenade have in common?

They both make noise when you throw them.

What flour do orphans use when baking? Self-Raising (Rising).

When her head game is so strong, she sucks the chromosome right out of you.

What did scientists prove when they saw a skeleton on the moon?

The cow didn’t make it.

When do astronauts eat lunch?

At launch time.

When I was a kid, I used to read a lot. I mainly grew up reading stories by Shakespeare, especially the story Romeo & Juliet. That one in particular taught me a valuable life lesson. It taught me to not be surprised when my girlfriend killed herself.

I started crying when dad was cutting onions.

Onions was such a good dog.

Did you know pigeons die after sex?

At least when I fucked it.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

*sans*: Why was the skeleton depressed? Because Frisk keeps resetting and it resets when he lost his phone.

Yo mama so dumb, when the bartender said "beer is on the house" she grabbed a ladder.

When I’m bored, I text a random number, “I hid the body... now what?”

Did you know that people say Michael Jackson only became a pedophile when he was white?

Lucky for him, if he was black he would have been found guilty.