When jokes

Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump, and Angela Merkel are standing at the shore and are trying to impress each other with the accomplishments of their countries. Putin brags, "We have nuclear submarines which can stay underwater for six weeks without having to resurface!". Trump goes on, "Six weeks? That's nothing. I have the best submarines, they're underwater für at least three months!". Merkel is about to respond, when a giant steel colossus emerges from the sea. A hatch opens, a black uniform appears - "Heil Hitler! We need Diesel."

My grandpa said I was too reliant on technology when he saw me on my phone. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

What do an ice cream cone and a Ukrainian orphanage have in common?

Children scream when they melt.

Last week, I was on a plane to Manchester when suddenly the plane was hit by a ball. I wondered where it came from, but I soon realized it was none other than Penaldo practicing his free kicks. Shame on you, Penaldo, for almost killing me!

How do you know when your girlfriend is too young?

You have to make airplane noises to get her to open her mouth.

Sorry.

When do astronauts eat lunch?

At launch time.

When her head game is so strong, she sucks the chromosome right out of you.

What did scientists prove when they saw a skeleton on the moon?

The cow didn’t make it.

What flour do orphans use when baking? Self-Raising (Rising).

When I was a kid, I used to read a lot. I mainly grew up reading stories by Shakespeare, especially the story Romeo & Juliet. That one in particular taught me a valuable life lesson. It taught me to not be surprised when my girlfriend killed herself.

Did you know pigeons die after sex?

At least when I fucked it.

I started crying when dad was cutting onions.

Onions was such a good dog.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

*sans*: Why was the skeleton depressed? Because Frisk keeps resetting and it resets when he lost his phone.

Don't you just hate it when your grandmas always complaining about things getting stuck between her false teeth, like my foreskin?

Yo mama is so fat that when she fell, I didn't laugh, but the sidewalk cracked up.

When the quiet kid gets angry and the sped kid sees your hiding spot.

Bing, bang, boom!

Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, like when you push them down the stairs.

My friend had an allergic reaction after he ate a peanut.

We got his EpiPen to help him when Penaldo appeared because he heard the word "PEN". He tried stealing the pen, but I said, "No pens for you," and "Brentford". He cried and ran away. Shame on you, Penaldo the fraud!

what do you get when you cross parents, the san fran bridge and a moody asian teen?

Niagra falls