When jokes
My friend had an allergic reaction after he ate a peanut.
We got his EpiPen to help him when Penaldo appeared because he heard the word "PEN". He tried stealing the pen, but I said, "No pens for you," and "Brentford". He cried and ran away. Shame on you, Penaldo the fraud!
Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, like when you push them down the stairs.
Don’t criticize someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes.
So, when you criticize them, they won’t be able to hear you from that far away. Plus, you’ll have their shoes.
What does the handicapped man say to the cops when he’s mistaken for a criminal: "Don't shoot, I'm unarmed!"
How do you know Johnny Depp finished his meal?
When you see fifty empty bottles of wine on his front doorstep.
Memes
Fnaf (when C.C got his head bit and survived) him at age 20
When his dick is really, really small, but you pretend it is so big it hurts so you don’t make him feel bad 'cause he is a nice guy.
When rejected:
That's ok, the 3 other little pigs said no, too.
What do you get when I get mixed with coffee?
De-presso.
What happens when you are playing Undertale, but it's snowy in town? It SNOWED in town!
"When is the best time to commit suicide?"
Ate a Glock in the morning.
What do you do when a woman is choking?
Back up a couple inches.
Why is prostitution illegal?
Because when it comes to screwing people and taking their money, the government doesn't want anyone outperforming them.
What are the basic ingredients when a cannibal makes a sandwich?
2 slices of Brad.
Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, like when I push my autistic brother down the stairs.
Yo mama so ugly, when I put her next to a naked mole rat, it said "bluetooth connected."
What is a government mandate?
When Obama and Biden go out to dinner together.
What do you get when you cross a Jewish person?
Christianity.
When and where was the biggest BBQ ever?
Hiroshima, Japan 1946.
You know how bad of a person you are when you figure out how long you wait to smash. For me and my girlfriend, it was between the first plane crash and the last tower falling.
Why don’t old people have sex?
When was the last time you tried pulling apart a grilled cheese that old?