When jokes

You know you have twisted humor when you crack a smile when a Minecraft farmer says he separates the white sheep from the colored ones.

My mom and dad got home from a party pretty late. Why do I know? Because I was playing Minecraft all night.

Anyways, they get home and start fumbling up the stairs and being really loud. I could have swore I heard them fall down. I assumed they were drunk. I was just playing my Switch when they come into my room. Now I'm about 10 at the time so I watch them get undressed IN MY FUCKING BED! I then just stare at them as they notice me before I witness anything. They say that they were doing "intense kissing" the next morning. I believed that at the time, but now I've been to health class. I now know the truth. I wish I hadn't.

Hitler was talking about how to fight in WW2 when someone sneezed while Hitler was giving a speech, so Hitler yelled, "WHO SNEEZED ROW 1? DID ANYONE SNEEZE?" They said no, and Hitler shot everybody. Same for row 2 & 3, but in row 4 someone nervous said, "Me, I'm sorry." Then Hitler said, "Bless you."

You know that your grades are bad when you get a 66% on a test and your grade goes up.

I heard my neighbors having sex, and it was annoying me, so I called my girlfriend to ask if she wanted to go out, but when I called her, I heard my neighbors' phone ringing.

What did the fish say when he ran into the wall?

Dam.

What's the only time women are doing real work? When they are giving blow jobs.

Leo must be an INTERIOR DECORATOR... because when she enters a room, it becomes UGLY.

What do you do when you're sad?

Nothing, because you are just crying about something happening to you.

What do you call a Japanese person when their knees are cured?

"Happynese" (happy knees).

Your mum is so fat that when she sat on the toilet, she couldn't because her fat ass can't fit on the toilet seat.

What do you get when skeletons are dancing in a tin can?

Noise!

What do people have a shot at when it comes to love? Shooting them in the heart.

What do you get when you throw a pebble into the ocean?

A wet pebble.

So, on one partly cloudy night, there was a boy and his dad gazing up at the sky.

Dad: Aren't the stars just wonderful?

Boy: I'm not sure, from my angle, all I see are clouds.

Dad: Well, come over here and take a look.

Boy: Damn, the clouds always move when I get to the right spot!

Dad: Well then, I guess I will have to make you see them everywhere you look then.

Then the Dad shook and spun the boy around till he said...

NOW I'M SEEING STARS!!!

A guy is walking down the street when he almost steps in something. He looks down and says, "Looks like shit."

He crouches down and smells it, "Smells like shit."

He sticks his finger in, tastes it, "Tastes like shit."

He then smiles and says, "Well, good thing I didn't step on it!"

When is the peanut butter due to arrive?

In a Jif.

Time for a Terraria joke.

What is a worm called when it is with a rich worm for his money?

A gold digger.

(play the game or watch some vids to understand)

I'm pretty socially awkward when talking to girls, so I watched a video on how to keep conversations going.

The guy said to try and find things that remind you of something else and talk about that. For example, "that oak tree over there reminds me of the one we used to climb in my backyard as a kid. It used to be so much fun... and so on."

So next time I was having a conversation with a girl, I saw a red truck. So I said, "that red truck reminds me of the time my house burned down when I was 6." She said, "oh, and the fire trucks came to your house?" And I said, "no, I was getting molested in a red truck when my house burned down."

What does the EPA issue when a person stinks up a room with their smelly farts?

Air quality alert code brown!