When jokes
What is the difference between an old chest and a kid? One doesn't cry when you drop it in the basement.
Why are we depressed? Is it because of that bully in your school, or because you have acne? How about when you listen to your sad song playlist? Maybe it's because you have no friends? Or is it the fact your anime girlfriend is fake? T^T
Why is it that when Donald Trump and Melania make love, she is always on top?
Donald Trump can only F@#k up.
I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
I asked my wife if I could use toys during sex last night. You should've seen her face when I rolled my Hot Wheels across her tits.
Memes
How come when women decide to kill their unborn baby it's a "choice"? But when I decide to drive my car into a playground full of children it's called "murder."
What did the sex offender frog say to the other sex offender frog when a hot frog passed them?
Rrrrrapeit!
Don't criticize someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes. So, when you criticize them, they won't be able to hear you from that far away. Plus, you'll have their shoes.
Q: What does a dead prostitute and a swimming pool have in common?
A: They're both cold when you first get in, but warm up after a few strokes.
Why do tampons have strings? So you can floss your teeth when you’re done eating.
What happens when Stephen Hawking dies?
The Windows shutdown sound plays.
You: Say "addicted" after everything I say.
Person: Uh okay.
You: When you're obsessed with candy you are...?
Person: Addicted.
You: When you're obsessed with drugs you are...?
Person: Addicted.
You: What hit you in the face last night?
Person: Addicted... *laughs*
(It's supposed to sound like "A dick did")
A woman is on the edge of a bridge, about to commit suicide, when a strange man comes up to her.
"Tell me, why do you wish to end your life?" he asks in a booming but gentle voice.
"My children died last year in a car crash, I'm battling depression, my husband left me, and I lost my job," she sobs. "I don't wish to live anymore."
The man mulls this over, and proclaims, "I will solve all your problems, as I am a wizard and possess unfathomable abilities. However, you must grant me a blowjob first."
The delighted woman readily agrees, takes him below the bridge, and fulfills his request. After they're done, he asks, "How old are you?"
"37," she replies, wiping her mouth.
"You're 37 and you still believe in wizards?"
You know some of these jokes took me 9 minutes and 11 seconds to realize. When I did, it hit me like a plane.
I liked my life when I first got it... Later they said no because I didn’t have the receipt.
Is it just me, or when you wipe your ass too deep, it reminds you of your uncle? Just me?
My friend was on a wheelchair... he committed suicide yesterday. I remember when I met him last time, he told us a good joke and I appreciated him and told him to become a stand-up comedian.
What is the difference between a baby and a watermelon? One smashes open when you hit it with a sledgehammer, and the other is a watermelon.
What happens when an emo kid loses a Kahoot? He gets a 25 kill streak.
Why are babies called bundles of joy?
When you break the bundle, it gives you joy.