When jokes

I thought my wife was joking when she said she was gonna leave me because I wouldn’t stop singing “I'm a believer,” but then I saw her face.

A pregnant wife and her husband were in a hospital as she was in labor. The doctor suggested using a machine that transfers the birth pains from the mother to the father. They agree, so the machine is used. 40%, the husband feels nothing, 70% still not feeling anything, 100%, nothing.

The doctor says it must be broken. When the pair return home, the milkman is dead in the front yard.

You want to hear a dirty joke?

This guy and this girl were having sex when the guy's boss called to ask why he wasn't at work. The guy responds, "I'm sick." His boss replies, "You don't sound sick." The guy says, "I'm fucking my sister" and hangs up the phone.

How do you know when an orphan is lying?

When they say, "I swear on my mother's life."

I ate a time machine once, it was very time-consuming. Especially when I went back four seconds.

When you're working in the Twin Towers and your computer connects to the airplane wifi.

Q: What does a dead prostitute and a swimming pool have in common?

A: They're both cold when you first get in, but warm up after a few strokes.

I don't think my girlfriend likes it when I take my schizophrenia meds because she always goes away when I take them.

My pencil sharpener when I bleed:

And I don't really care how bad it hurts. Cause you broke me first.

How do women make you a millionaire?

When you're a billionaire.

Who says “white men can't jump?” They certainly did when the twin towers were falling.

Dad: Son, who do you want to marry when you grow up?

Son: A ugly girl.

Dad: Why not a pretty girl?

Son: A pretty one might run away.

Dad: So an ugly one might too.

Son: Yeah, but who cares?

How do you know when a woman is going to have a black baby?

When she takes the tampon out, all the cotton is picked.

What do lesbians do when they have a problem? They finger it out.

A receptionist at the Twin Towers orders two pepperoni pizzas. She was upset when she got two planes.

Do you want to play Titanic?

When I say iceberg, you go down on me.

How come when women decide to kill their unborn baby it's a "choice"? But when I decide to drive my car into a playground full of children it's called "murder."

I was sitting with my little brother when he was about four-ish. He was starting to really like to identify objects for some reason, so he was showing me his toys. He grabbed his toy Mator truck and then pointed to the wheels, saying, “These are wheels.” I said, “Good job, yes they are.” Then he pointed to the bumper and said, “This is a bumper.” Again, I congratulated him. Then, he grabbed the toy’s wire with the hook at the end and said, “And this is a hooker.” I died laughing.

Yo mamma so stupid when a robber stole her TV, she ran after him saying, "You forgot the remote!"

What is the difference between an old chest and a kid? One doesn't cry when you drop it in the basement.