When jokes

1. Your face is so ugly, I thought it was deformed. It probably was anyways.

2. Even if Donald Trump had time to build a wall, it was probably so you won't squish us with your fatass.

If someone says your face is deformed, just say that's what happens when I look at you.

Welcome.

What is the difference between Princess Diana and my laptop?

When my laptop crashes, I give a s**t.

When we die we get sent to heaven, but when Stephen Hawking died, he was sent to the cloud.

What do you get when you cross an eagle with a lion?

A griffin.

Little Johnny walked into class with a black eye, and the teacher said, "Why do you have a black eye?"

Johnny said, "Well, me and my parents have to share a bed, and my dad asked me if I was asleep and I said no, so he smacked me."

The teacher said, "Well tonight, don't say anything."

The next day, Johnny walked in with another black eye, and the teacher said, "Why do you have another black eye?" Little Johnny said, "Well, last night, I did what you said and didn't say anything when my dad asked me if I was asleep. A few minutes later, my dad said he was coming, and my mom said she was coming too. They usually don't go anywhere without me so I said 'Wait for me, I'm coming too.'"

If you have a daughter, give her the same name as the mum; that way when you call for a beer, you get two beers, and when you call for sex, you get two sex...

When your legs forget how to work after leg day, I can't climb the stairs.

Michael Myers right behind me. Runs like I'm a track star!

What happens when an emo goes to the grocery store? The cashier scans their wrist too.

What do you call it when tectonic plates start racing?

Continental Drift.

A hand is always sad when it sees a dick is going inside.

What does a disabled person want to be when they grow up? A stand-up comedian.

What do you say when going for a dunk in basketball?

"Kobe crash!"

Yo mama so fat, when she goes to get grapes off a bush, the bush says, "Bitch, I never thought they can grow that big!"

What's the difference between Paul Walker and a computer?

I give a fuck when my computer crashes.

My girlfriend is incredibly sad since her cat has disappeared.

I am quite sure now that I misunderstood something when she asked me to eat her pussy--and I am beginning to think that I did not get the "fuck her doggy" part either.

The top worst thing for an orphan, and probably the most awkward one, is when they're having sex and the other person is calling them "mommy" or "daddy."

Well, if Stephen Hawking likes black holes so much, why did he call security when I put my hole on his face?

Why are orphans always so successful? Because when they're told "go big or go home," they only have one option.

You're so poor, when a robber robs your house, they feel bad for you and just leave.

Why didn't the orphan do the work?

Because when the teacher says they would call your mum or dad, there's nobody to call.