War jokes

If you go to the military and you get sent to a country, how many heads will you blow off?

That number is how many dicks you suck.

What do you call six gay people in a war? Rainbow Six Siege.

What do you call Hitler?

Gay.

The coach of the Detroit Lions had put together the perfect football team. But then his quarterback got blindsided and was out for the season with a knee injury.

Then his backup went down with a concussion. He tried the trading route, free agents, but nobody any good was available.

One evening while watching the news from Iraq, he saw a young Iraqi soldier with an amazing arm. The soldier rifled a grenade on a perfect arc into a 4th story window from 100 yards, bam!

He tossed another directly into a tight group of 12 enemy fighters 80 yards away, ka-bam! Then a humvee passed, going 60 kph, boom! Another perfect shot!

Coach said to himself, "I got to have this guy. He's got the best arm I've ever seen!"

He tracks him down and convinces him to come to Detroit. The kid takes coaching perfectly, makes all the plays, and long story short, the Lions win the Super Bowl.

The Iraqi is now the Conquering Hero in pro football, and a huge story. But when the broadcast team tries to interview him, all he wants is to phone his mom.

"Mother," he yells over the phone, "We just won the Super Bowl!"

"Don't talk to me," the woman says. "You abandoned us. You can't be my son."

The young Iraqi begs, "Mom, you don't understand! Our team won the biggest game here in the U.S. Thousands of fans are screaming for me. The U.S. President is going to call me!"

"I don't care," his mother snaps. "Right now I can hear gunshots everywhere. Our block is like a ruin. Your brothers were beaten half to death last night, and your sister was nearly raped."

Then she says, "I can never forgive you for making us move to Detroit."

Why are Americans such good chess players?

Because they lost two towers.

Why did Hitler lose the war?

Because Göring ate every last airplane, tank, artillery, ship, and ammunition!

Why is it so hard to break up with a Japanese girlfriend?

You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets it.

The point of war is not to die for your country, but to make the fresh recruit on the enemy's side die for his.

What's a cow's favorite war?

World War Moo.

Where did Joe go after getting lost in a minefield?

Everywhere.

Hitler was talking about how to fight in WW2 when someone sneezed while Hitler was giving a speech, so Hitler yelled, "WHO SNEEZED ROW 1? DID ANYONE SNEEZE?" They said no, and Hitler shot everybody. Same for row 2 & 3, but in row 4 someone nervous said, "Me, I'm sorry." Then Hitler said, "Bless you."

What's up guys! Quandale Dingle here (RUUEHEHEHEHEHEEHE). I have been arrested for multiple crimes (AHHHHHHHHHHHHH) including: Battery on a police officer (WHAT), Grand theft, Declaring war on Italy, and public indecency (RUHEHEHEEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE x2 speed).

I will be escaping prison on, MARCH 28TH! After that I will take over the worl[d].

Going in a military.

The last thing I heard from them is: "Goodbye!"

How do Germans tie their shoes? Answer: In Nazis!

Free blacks in the Civil War is the same as me drawing a reverse card in Uno.

What was Osama bin Laden's favorite drink? Double Manhattan.

What is the difference between Obama and Osama?

Osama didn't kill innocent civilians with missile strikes.

When you're in the war and you die and say to God, "Where is the gulag?"

What does a terrorist get for Christmas?

A C4.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Fourth of April.

Fourth of April who?

May the fourth be with you!