Stone jokes
Teacher makes 1 kid recite the ABCs and the other count to 10.
Teacher: You can kill 2 birds with 1 stone.
Little Johnny goes home and throws a rock at two birds. One dies. He gives his dad a concussion from the rock hitting his head.
Johnny at school: You can kill a bird and give a man a concussion.
Your mom is so ugly that even Medusa turned to stone from looking at her!
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but there will always be something that offends feminists.
Dwarfism is a growing problem.
Kidding, that’s not funny. My friend died of dwarfism.
He jumped off a curb stone.
Why can’t girls in the Middle East smoke weed?
Because they’ll get stoned.
"Killed two birds with one stone"? Pfft, I once killed two people with one bullet.
R.I.P. on a tombstone normally means "Rest In Peace"; however, in Madeleine McCann's case, it means "Raped In Portugal".
Yo mama is so strict that Thanos couldn't collect the Infinity Stones until he had done his homework.
Beneath this monumental stone Lise, 80 pounds of skin and bone.
Two boys were at a lake, and they went to a bush and saw a naked lady.
One ran away, the other one followed the one who ran and asked why he ran. The boy answered, "My mum told me if I saw a naked lady I would turn to stone. I ran away because I felt something get hard."
What do you call a masculine lesbian who smokes weed?
A stoned butch.
Medusa makes men hard.
Derrick and Clive. They have a song about a Dad with cancer and other extremely offensive subjects in a routine called "The Non-Stop Dancer." It is very funny, but it is made even funnier by Dudley Moore's drunken and stoned laughter through the song.
One of the best routines ever. Look it up on YouTube. They recorded them in the studio, but they are ad-libbing and extremely drunk.
What’s the difference between a dad and a boulder?
About 15 stone.
What do you call a couple Mexicans getting stoned in a bush? Buches baked breans.
How do Ephippians celebrate their kids' first birthday?
Put a flower on their gravestone.
Muslims don't need weed, they've got the Koran.
You burn that sh*t and you're gonna get stoned.
What's an orphan's high school nickname? "Lone Stone."
What do you call a stoned Mexican?
Baked bean.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.