Violence jokes

One time, a man got mad at me because I was hitting on his girlfriend. Like come on, man, it was only a couple of bruises!

What's black and grey and red all over?

A dead r******.

Easy way to get away from rape is to become the rapist. All women need to carry a 12-inch dildo and a gun!

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Don’t worry, he woke up.

In my basement.

Don't break girls' hearts. Break their legs instead. They're two.

If she refuses to suck and threatens to bite, just knock her teeth out. Call it the “Bloody Gummer”.

"Sticks and stones break my bones."

A crowbar does it so much quicker.

Guys, I'm back...

Here's my joke:

What is blue and red all over?

Blood in the water of a shark attack victim.

I saw a man trying to rape a dog. I decided to help. The dog can't stand a chance against the both of us.

What do you call a group of sped kids with AK-47s?

Special forces.

So, as a school shooter, I try to remember my ABC's. A, B, C, D, E, F, GUN!

And I basically stop at G, since no students ever speak to me about the rest.

I slit my wrist and said, "THAT'S A LOT OF DAMAGE!" So I did it again, but with a knife and said, "NOW *THAT'S* A LOT OF DAMAGE!" I then put watertight Flex Seal on the wound, and it didn't seal.

Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.

Poor bastard.

Here's a tip for cow tipping from TheRussianBadger.

"So if you see Otis from Barnyard, make sure you blast his ass from a distance!"

I wasn't cut out for running today, but those cops came out of nowhere.

What is red and tan and spins for about 50 mph?

A baby in a blender.

Do you know what you first feel when you shoot someone?

The recoil.

What do you call a white kid at the back of the class?

School shooter.

What's black and white and red all over? The prisoner I just hit with my car.

What's red and green and goes 100 miles per hour? A frog in a blender.