Robbery jokes

Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy. You wouldn't believe the happiness I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket.

A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands money.

Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man replied, "Yes sir, I did."

The robber shot him in the head, killing him instantly.

He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did!"

Give a man a gun, and he will rob a bank.

Give a man a bank, and he will rob everyone.

A thief walks up to a man in a suit and pulls out a gun. The thief says: "Give me your money." The man in the suit turns around surprised. He raises his hands and says: "But, wait! You can't do that, I am a Congressman!" The thief replies: "Oh, sorry. Give me MY money."

What's the difference between an amateur thief and a professional thief?

The amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!" The professional thief says, "Sign here please."

Why did the depressed person rob a bank? Because you're not killing yourself if a cop does it for you!

So, some thieves robbed me the other day. They took everything I owned, except for the soap, towels, and deodorant.

Dirty bastards.

Why did the skeleton not rob the bank?

He did not have the guts!

So I was being robbed, and this guy had the gun to my head, so I told him he was holding it backwards.

Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.

An orphanage got robbed yesterday. Let's just say that's the second worst thing to happen to those orphans. At least they didn't end up like their parents.

One day, a snail got robbed by two turtles. Once the cops arrived and asked what had happened, the snail said, "I don't know, it all happened too fast!"

Me: Do you ever just walk into a room and forget what you were doing?

Bank teller: [eyes wide] Uhhhhh...

Me: *scratches head with gun* Man, I hate it when this happens.

Have you heard about the pedophile who was found guilty of robbery?

- He robbed children of their innocence.

What did the comedian say when he walked into a bank?

"This is a stand-up."

Why did the bank robber shoot the man with no arms?

Because he told the man to put his hands up.

Why did the coffee file a police report?

Because it got mugged.

Yo mama's so dumb, when a robber stole her TV, she said, "You forgot the remote!"

I woke up one night and it was really dark in my room. Then my TV started to float out the window. I said, "Drop it, nig-"

I saw a robbery at the Apple store.

Am I an iWitness?