What did one shoe say to the other shoe when they were fighting?
I wanna sock you in the eye so bad!
My sister thinks she's so smart. She said only an onion can make you cry, so I brought the belt out, and she started crying.
How do you create the world's quickest human pyramid?
Turn on the gas chamber.
What do a bullet and a police officer have in common?
When a bullet kills someone, it gets fired.
my therapist says with time all wounds can heal.
So I stabbed him. Now we wait.
I was walking to the park and a mystery killer came and shot me.
The other day my brother hit me. I yelled for mom. No one responded.
Why did Sally die? She got stabbed by her mum.
Me: Hey, apple.
Apple: What?
Me: Knife.
Apple: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Granny says don't worry, the cries of pain are only my ex-husband's.
"Killed two birds with one stone"? Pfft, I once killed two people with one bullet.
Making fun of someone you're angry with is childish. Be an adult and hit them with your car <3
Philza: PUT THE ORPHAN DOWN TECHNOBLADE- NO DON-
Technoblade: R.I.P orphan
Why did my mother buy me a Honda? She knows I can't move, so she pushed my wheelchair with me in it into the ocean. I survived just by a second, but a shark got my wheelchair, fucking bitch.
Get a head in life by decapitating someone.
Why did Mom cross the road?
To kill you!
How do you save your wife from drowning?
Take your foot off her neck.
Me: Hi, my name is...
Bro: Hey guys! So who are you?
Me: Hey, stop dude!
Bro: How is it going, bro--
Me: SHUT UP!
Bro: Is that a gun?
Me: *Pointing at bro*
Bro: Dude, I'm...
Me: *BANG* *BANG*
Me: Finally, it's over.
What can change color and get beat up?
You.
Me: 911, I just killed someone.
Cops: Cool, we will not come.
Me: Why?
Cops: Don't admit a crime.
Phones: *Bang Bang*
Me: Well, that was 2 crimes done.
