What is the difference between a mosquito and a blonde?
A mosquito stops sucking after you f*cking slap it.
Why did Jimmy throw the clock out the window? Because it reminded him of Arnold Clock, the man who knife-raped his wife.
How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
Kick his sister in the jaw.
What is a school shooter's favorite animal?
A Desert Eagle.
If somebody cuts their leg off and hits you with it, would they be kicking or hitting you?
I knew this one guy who liked to swim with the fishes, then the mob got a hold of 'em...
What do you take care of after a car crash?
The witnesses.
I will never forget my girlfriend's last words... "Get off of me! STOP!" *slurp*... Dead.
Grandfather's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"
Grandmother's last words: "You know how to use that hammer."
Dad's last words: "Always aim before you shoot that gun."
Mom's last words: "Turn off the stove when you're done."
My last thought: Am I a murderer?
Why did Hitler's girlfriend break up with him? He Hit-ler.
I learned that a strangler was targeting me.
All I could think was, "You’ve got to be choking me!"
The Virgin Mary wasn't a virgin; she was a prostitute. God raped her.
A student was peeking in on a 10/10 chick, and the guy was about to nut.
The school shooter patted his back and told him to leave his corpses alone.
School and Boot Camp are a lot alike. The only difference is that in school, you don't have to get deployed to get shot at.
School is a lot like boot camp. The only difference is that you don't have to get deployed to get shot at.
What's the first thing that a battered woman does when she gets out of the shelter?
My last if she knows what's good for her.
What do 100,000 battered women have in common? The bitch was wrong!
You're dead inside.
(Stabs him 23 times)
Q: What did I find on my son's search history?
A: Where is the nearest gun shop?
So I was sitting on the couch with a woman, and I asked her, "Does this napkin smell like chloroform?"
