What's black and red and goes 90 miles an hour? A baby in a blender!
Q: How do you get 10 babies in a trashcan?
A: With a blender.
Q: How do you get them out?
A: Chips.
There was an enemy with a machine gun.
My commander said, "Un-arm the enemy."
So I ran over to the enemy and chopped his arms off.
What did the orphans do when the bombs drop?
They said, "Allahu Akbar."
A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost. As they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air and men with spears are there. One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren't that crazy, so we will let you choose how you die."
The man from France said, "Bring me the poison."
The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun."
And the man from New York said, "Bring me a fork."
The guy was confused with the fork but still brought the items and gave them to them.
The guy from France said, "For France!" And drank the poison and died.
The man from Britain said, "Long live the queen!" And shot himself and died.
And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said, "Make a canoe out of this, you fuckers!"
What do you say to a woman who is completely beaten up on her face, full of bruises, and has a broken jaw?
"Will you listen now?!??"
"Hey, today was great."
"What happened?"
"I ran into my ex today."
"What's so great about that?"
"I was in my car."
If an illegal immigrant fights against a child molester, would that be "Alien vs Predator"?
Two kids were beating up a kid in an alley, so I stepped in to help. He didn’t stand a chance against the three of us.
When you steal the weird pet rock, so he pulls out his pet Glock.
Why did the Columbine High School basketball team lose the big game?
Because they lost their two best shooters...
Friends are like trees, they fall over if you hit them with an ax.
My favorite thing to do in my free time is putting a large skewer on the front of my car and speeding through a school zone trying to make a kebab.
Roses are red, my name is Dan, I have a gun, GET IN THE VAN!
What's the difference between 13 dead babies and a skeleton?
There aren't any, there's 13 skeletons in my closet.
Murder is the same as suicide, except the other person is doing it for you.
My dad hits me :(
I like my women like I like my eggs.
Beaten against a table until her insides come out.
Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy. You wouldn't believe the happiness I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket.
How many times does 47 fit into 9?
Get in the van and find out.
