How many babies does it take to change a lightbulb?
More than 9 because my basement's still dark.
What's harder than nailing a dead baby to a tree?
My dick while I'm doing it.
I tried to stick to One Direction, but then they started to shoot the gay bar...
How do you stop a baby from crawling around in a circle on the floor?
You nail its other hand to the floor.
Why did Bob Ross die?
Because the paint brush stabbed him.
When your husband can’t afford a punching bag, he uses his wife.
I was walking down the street one day and I passed the gun store. I walked in and everything was half off. I didn't know back to school sales had started already.
When you have a box of dead babies in your garage and one of them is alive at the bottom and has to eat its way out but goes back for seconds.
How do you keep a mute woman you've raped from telling on you?
By cutting off her fingers.
What is black, white, and red all over?
My third wife.
What's the difference between a baby and an onion?
One screams when I peel its skin off.
What's worse than throwing a baby off a cliff?
Catching it with a pitchfork.
What has 5 legs, 3 arms, and 7 feet?
The finish line at the marathon bombing.
Jim walks into a bar and asks for a shot of vodka. He then says to the barkeep, "Who's the toughest guy in here?"
The barkeep points to a man at the pool table. Jim then knocked him out and paid for the shot and left. He did this every Friday for 2 months. Finally, the barkeep is pissed because Jim keeps knocking out all of his customers. He then orders a gorilla and puts him in the bathroom.
Jim walks into the bar and gets another shot of vodka. He asks again, "Who's the toughest guy in here tonight?" The bartender points to the bathroom and says he's in there. Jim walks into the bathroom and everyone in the bar can hear yelling and screaming. The bartender asks, "What happened in there?" Jim smiles and says, "I don't know who that was, but when he wakes up tell him I put his fur jacket in the toilet."
What's black and white and red all over?
A massacre at a funeral.
I've been looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer for the past two years.
But no one would do it.
Funny thing is, dead women can't say no...
I'm taking a guitar lesson at school. My band instructor told me he was going to hit me with my guitar. I asked him if that was a "fret."
I'm taking a guitar lesson at school. My band instructor told me he was going to hit me with my guitar. I asked him if that was a fret.
What do you do if your dishwasher stops working?
Punch her in the face and remind her of her duties.
