The weirdest thing happened yesterday. My dad came back from work... He’s a suicide bomber.
I went to school and everyone was screaming and looking at me. They weren't after I shot them, though.
Don't you just want to go on a mass murder while listening to goodbye Moonman? Oh, just me... OK.
I was hit on by President Kennedy, too bad I shot him down.
A rapist walks into a school and asks if they had 5 year olds in the school, and the teacher replies, "Are you that same person who took Jimmy?"
The man replies, "Yes," and the teacher says, "Take Susie too; she's being a little bitch."
What's the difference between Chris Brown and Santa?
Santa stops at 3 hoes.
How do you start a rave?
Throw a flashbang into the epileptic ward of a hospital.
Random person: Imma smack you so hard your skin pigment changes!
Me: Who the hell do you think you are? Michael Jackson’s dad?
Someone at school judged my grammar.
I judged theirs by the terms "school" and "rifle range" being mixed up the next day.
A husband got a message from his neighbor one day. It read, "Hey, I'm sorry I had to tell you like this but I have been doing your wife for months now." The husband went to go grab his gun and shot his wife. He hid the evidence and a few hours later he got another message from his neighbor saying, "Sorry, meant using your wifi."
I hit my friend.
He's dead now.
What do you get when you throw a baby into the wheat thresher?
An erection.
If you had 10 chicken nuggets and Jimmy tried to steal one, what would you have?
10 chicken nuggets and a dead Jimmy.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just arrest the lightbulb for being broke and beat the room for being black.
What was the last thing to go through JFK's mind?
A bullet.
What's a school shooter's favorite anime?
Assassination Classroom.
What is scarier than a pile of dead babies?
The bottom one ate its way out!
A baby seal walks into a club...
How do you get a clown to stop smiling?
You shoot him in the face.
Someone threw a cup at my eye. I told 911 that I was mugged.
