Violence jokes

I tell a man, "Get me a Glock 19." He comes back with a glove. I was about to shout at him, but then I saw a pistol in his pocket, so I left and thanked him.

"Hey man, what's that, a dynamite you have in your hand? Ok, well hold it over. I'll give it right back."

"Oh no, I won't!"

"Oh yes, you will!"

"Oh, I won't!"

"Oh yes, you will!"

"Ok fine, then you take it or I'll blow our your butt before it farts."

What do you call a dwarf suicide bomber?

A party popper.

How do you make a plumber die?

You kill his family.

What's a crazy man's favorite phrase when he has a knife?

"Freak out!"

What's a knife's favorite person?

The victim.

What happens when you hear about Mary Brittain beating a Thomas?

You cook spaghetti with his blood!

What happens to chickens that get kidnapped by rapists?

They get choked.

I was having a party in my basement, and my friend asked me what that bag covered in blood was for. I said, "Oh, that's the bag I catch the children with to torture them in this basement."

I got my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He came back a week later and said it was the most violent book he’s ever read.

Roses are red. Violets are blue. We're gonna make love because I'm stronger than you.

I love murder shows... wish me luck cause I'm kinda hoping to be on one one day.

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing, you ain't already told her twice.

Grandpa's last words: "Why do you have a chainsaw?"

What song do you think was playing at the school?

"Pumped Up Kicks"

People are fighting in a war, and a man gets hit four times in the arm and says, "'Tis but a scratch!"

And the other guy, looking at him in shock, says, "A scratch? Your arm is off your body!"

What’s the difference between a hundred decapitated babies and a Ferrari? I don’t have a Ferrari in my garage.

How [does] a disabled kid face [the] Jalalas?

He can't run, just hug the bomb.

I was going to kill them with kindness, but then I realized using a knife is a lot faster.

An autistic kid hit me, so I kicked him back and he died.