Violence jokes

I got my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He came back a week later and said it was the most violent book he’s ever read.

Roses are red. Violets are blue. We're gonna make love because I'm stronger than you.

I love murder shows... wish me luck cause I'm kinda hoping to be on one one day.

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing, you ain't already told her twice.

Grandpa's last words: "Why do you have a chainsaw?"

What song do you think was playing at the school?

"Pumped Up Kicks"

People are fighting in a war, and a man gets hit four times in the arm and says, "'Tis but a scratch!"

And the other guy, looking at him in shock, says, "A scratch? Your arm is off your body!"

What’s the difference between a hundred decapitated babies and a Ferrari? I don’t have a Ferrari in my garage.

How [does] a disabled kid face [the] Jalalas?

He can't run, just hug the bomb.

I was going to kill them with kindness, but then I realized using a knife is a lot faster.

An autistic kid hit me, so I kicked him back and he died.

What's the difference between a baby and a brick?

A brick doesn't cry when you throw it on a wall.

First Date: HE: "I work with animals every day!" SHE: "Oh how sweet! What is it that you do?" HE: "I’m a butcher." SHE: "Perfect! I work with humans, I just kill them by cutting them up!"

HE: "So it's you in the newspaper?" SHE: "Yes, it was, wanna be next?" HE: "No!"

I saw identical twins. I threw a paper plane at them.

Me: I’m gonna smite the life out of you!!!

Orphan: What! No! Please no!

Me: What you gonna do? Run home and tell your parents? Wait, I forgot, you don’t have a home or parents!!!!

About the guy who gave Stevie Wonder a cheese grater...

He thought it was the most violent book he'd ever read.

They can't say no if they're unconscious.

Rape is not a joke.

My therapist told me that time heals all wounds. So I stabbed him, now we wait.

Do you know how a dragon is? You don't know who? It's dragging these 2-liter balls across your pathetic face and slamming it into a f*cking dumpster you regret.