Ups Jokes

Friends, who's your barber? They mess up big time.

Me.

You're just jealous because my dad cuts my hair for free, and you have to be paying 30 dollars just for that short-ass cut.

TJ GWEN just shut the hell up.

NOT A DATING WEBSITE

They asked JFK Jr. if he wanted to shower before his flight. He said, "No, I'll just wash up on shore!"

Tooth 1: Hey, do you like my jokes?

Tooth 2: Yeah, but they're cracking me up.

I am a good role model, because you look up to me. Deez nuts!

A two-panel meme using the Buff Doge vs. Cheems format. The top panel shows two muscular Doge characters in military helmets holding rifles, facing a smaller Cheems character wearing a conical hat and holding a smaller rifle. Text above reads "how i thought vietnam war happened" and text below the Doges reads "stupid farmer thinking he can win". The bottom panel shows several smaller Cheems characters with rifles positioned strategically in dense jungle foliage, surrounding a few smaller Doge characters with rifles who appear to be retreating. Text above reads "how it really happened" and text below the Doges reads "shit they set us up retreat".

What’s up with the foot feet?

What is the plural of "goose"? "Geese."

What is the plural of moose? Well, it ant meese.

Well, it’s my first joke. Please forgive me if it’s bad.

This whole string is really messed up. Y'all should be ashamed of yourselves. I just heard the audio recording of the crash and it said, "HE'S ON FIRE! BOOM SHAKALAKA!"

When someone keeps talking while you are trying to focus on something, what is the rudest thing you can say to them?

SHUT UP!!!

Information has been leaked from government sources. When the current lock-up ends, the holder of the nation's purse, Fishi Rucksack, will launch a new initiative.

This will be to help the struggling "personal services" industry and will be labelled, "Sleep out to Help out."

An orphan goes up to someone. The guy says, "Where are your parents?"

The orphan says, "Why do you think I'm wearing ripped pyjamas?"

A penis is driving a car when all of a sudden it gets hit by a car, what did the penis end up saying?

Aaaawwwww I got dicklash!

Me in my dream: What a good day! *rumble* Ooh! What was that?

I wake up and I find myself on the floor.

"Knock knock."

"Who's there?"

"Bagel."

"Bagel who?"

"Toast, it's me, your arch-nemesis, Bagel, here to make up! Bye!"

Yo momma is so ugly even the trash man wouldn't pick her up.

What’s the worst part about a dead prostitute?

You end up doing all the work.

One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish.

I’m breaking up with you, bitch.

What did the rapper say to his BLENDER?

"Mix it up, yo!"

Why did the chair file a restraining order?

The booty wouldn't stop cracking up!

Wait, this is the category "dick." Sorry yours isn't long for yo mama to get fucked up.

"Oh, you’re still talking? I thought background noise was supposed to fade out after a while. Must be tough waking up every day knowing your personality was a failed experiment."