Ups jokes
Little Johnny catches his parents going at it and says, "Hey dad! Whatcha doin'?"
His father says, "I'm filling your mom's tank."
Johnny says, "Oh yeah, well, you better get a model that gets better mileage because the milk man filled her up this morning."
The twin towers were just tryna take after the leaning tower of Pisa, but they lost their balance and fucked it up.
My husband asked me to get 6 cans of Sprite at the store. I realized when I got home that I had picked 7-Up.
A blonde drops off her dress to the dry cleaners.
The lady says, "Come again!"
The blonde says, "No, it's toothpaste this time."
A guy walks into a butcher's shop and says, "Sir, are you a gambling man?"
The butcher says, "Why yes, as a matter of fact, I am."
"Then I'll bet you $25 you can't reach up and touch that meat hanging over your head right there."
The butcher thinks for a moment and says, "I'm sorry, I won't take that bet."
The guy says, "But I thought you said you were a gambling man."
"I am. But the steaks are too high."
"Mommy, mommy! Are we janitors?"
"Shut up and pass me the mop."
What do you call a grown-up orphan? Homeless.
I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
Jeff crosses the US border.
The second he crosses into the USA, a guy comes up with a gun.
Jeff: "That's what I was expecting."
My mom said I need Jesus in my life, so I drunk up the holy water ;}
Once I went to watch a match in Portugal. It was between Penaldo and his kids. The referee was Georgiana (his wife). Mpaypal and Igayspeed were also there. The match began, and his kids scored two goals in the first 10 minutes. Then, when the match was about to end, Penaldo got angry and asked his wife for penalties. His wife declined, and he tortured and beat her up and took 10 penalties (missed 7 of them) but won 3-2. Shame on you, Penaldo! 😡😡😡
My girlfriend dumped me today. Apparently, I don't stand up for her in fights. I don't care. She used to push me around all the time.
What goes up stairs but doesn't move? Stairs! Laugh now!
What do blind kids and orphans have in common? I fucking hate their whiny asses and beat them up.
I don't joke about paraplegics; they wouldn't be able to stand up for themselves.
I bought a sweater and it started building up static electricity.
So I got another one free of charge.
My wife told me to pass her lip stick, but I gave her a glue stick. Now she is not talking to me.
What's up?
A rocket from NASA.
OMG SO FUNNYY!
What is depressing, alone, chronic, and messed up? Me.
Someone walks up to his dad and says, "Dad, what’s the difference between potentiality and reality?" Soo ok, the dad says to the son, "Go ask your mother, sister, and your brother if they’d sleep with the postman for $1,000,000." So the son comes back 5 minutes later and said, "Dad, they all said they would sleep with the postman." So, son, potentially, we have a million dollars, but in reality, we have two sluts and a gay one."