Ups jokes

If you scanned my thigh, it would show up as a package of Oreos on the screen.

Mommy, mommy! Are we drug dealers?

Shut up and cut the coke.

A cop pulls two Arabian men over, walks up to their window, and says, "We are looking for two child molesters!"

Now after a short pause, the two men look at each other, then back at the officer and say, "We'll do it!"

How did Stephen Hawking make it up the stairway to heaven?

Well, he didn’t; they invented an elevator.

A lady walked into a bar and ordered their special drink. The bartender then gave her a brown glass full of milk. The lady complained about this, but then the bartender said, "Just shut up and swallow!"

Teacher says, "Okay class, today we're gonna talk about what everyone wants to be when they grow up." Little Johnny, how about you go first."

Little Jonny: "I want to be a speed bump when I grow up!"

One day little Jonny is in class. It is the second day back to school. The teacher is annoyed with the kids, so she goes to the front of the class and says, "If you think you are stupid, stand up." Little Jonny stood up.

The teacher asked him, "Why do you think you're stupid?" Little Jonny said, "I don't think I am stupid."

Then the teacher asked little Jonny why he stood up. Then little Jonny replied, "I just felt bad seeing you standing here alone."

Little Johnny catches his parents going at it and says, "Hey dad! Whatcha doin'?"

His father says, "I'm filling your mom's tank."

Johnny says, "Oh yeah, well, you better get a model that gets better mileage because the milk man filled her up this morning."

To avoid getting drafted, a young man slips into a nunnery to hide from some draft board agents who are after him. Desperate, he approaches a nun and asks her to hide him.

“Get under my robes,” says the nun. “No one will look for you there.” The nun lifts up her robes and the man says, “Hey, that’s a fine pair of legs you have there, sister.”

“Yeah, well if you look a bit higher you’ll see a fine set of balls,” replies the nun. “I didn't want to get drafted either.”

Tooth 1: Hey, do you like my jokes?

Tooth 2: Yeah, but they're cracking me up.

What happened when a kid bullied an orphan?

The orphan said, "I’m going to tell my mom!"

Bully: "I wanna see your mom!"

Narrator: At that moment, he knew he messed up.

This was my friend's joke he wanted me to post;)

One man's trash is another man's treasure, he said when he found out his parents split up and he is being adopted.

An SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks, "Can I join you?"

To RANDYYYY,

Hi Randy, this is ALYA. I don't want to fight with you. If you're an orphan and you do know about your past, you probably get sad, right? Well, these jokes just bring up the bad times for me.

-ALYA with love

When I grow up, I wanna be like Lil Peep... Dead.

Nah, did your barber catch a seizure while lining you up?

What vegetable is good for your memory? A carrot, because the last time I had one shoved up my ass, I never forgot about it.

A guy asks a girl to go to a dance. She agrees, and he decides to rent a suit. The rental has a long line, so he waits and waits, and finally he gets his suit.

He decides to buy flowers, so he goes to the flower shop. The flower shop has a long line, so he waits and waits, until he finally buys flowers.

He picks up the girl and they go to the dance. There is a long line into the dance, so they wait and wait.

Finally, they get into the dance, and the guy offers to get the girl a drink. She asks for punch, so he goes to the drink table, and there is no punch line.

(Best pick-up line ever). Your body is like 9/11. I wanna crash into your twin towers. 😏

How does a butcher keep his tent up in the wind? Steaks.