Ups Jokes

Your dad left you because he went for milk.

*1,000,000 years later*

Her: Dad come back!

Him: FBI open up!

What do eggs use in war? Eggk47s get my yolk this is really cracking me up!

They’d probably get shellshocked, wasn’t it all eggcellent? Ok, Ok, I’m headed for the egg-it.

Why did the new egg fell so good? It just got laid.

Same old boring ass day, until a person with Parkinson's fainted and got everyone's attention.

He really shook things up today.

Did you hear about the bad joke? No? It hasn't been made up yet. HAHAHAHAHAHA

I asked my phone why I couldn't get a date.

It showed a picture of myself.

im that girl

A minion standing in front of a text that reads: Here's to the girls: To the girls who don't wake up with perfect hair. Who don't mind eating a Big Mac instead of a salad. Who don't wear 50 pounds of makeup. Who'd rather spend the day in sweatpants than skinny jeans. Who love the comfort of T-shirts. Who don't get all the guys. Who's not "popular" but feels like it when they're with their friends. Who stick to sneakers instead of heels. Who aren't way. Who don't get everything they want. Who doesn't need a guy to tell them that they are beautiful.

Never give up, 'cause never gonna give you up.

Never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you, never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye, never gonna desert you.

Why did the orphan get arrested for identity theft?

He dressed up as Batman for Halloween.

A man came up to me and threatened me with his milk, cheese, and butter... how dairy!

One time you walked up to a mirror, but it’s shattered because of your reflection.

So two dudes were at a bar and out of nowhere they hear, "Oi mate, talk to me like that again, I'm gonna shove this stick so far up your ass you'll look like a Popsicle."

I looked this quote up, but it really is a good thing, just for starters.

"Sometimes you will never know the VALUE of a moment until it becomes a MEMORY."

Hey Alya and JK Master, how are you guys doing? No one being an ass to you guys today, right? If so, I'll beat them up :)

Yo mama so fat, she can't pick up a dumbbell... the dumbbell pick her up.

Me: What's that sound?

Ex: What?

Me: Oh, it's the elevator going up. BYEEEE see you on another level!

xthegamer0 is 35. He grew up with GTA5 and is still playing it today.

Up (DYM 94).

Teacher: Here, have candy.

Kid: No, I’m too fat.

Teacher: Shut up, or I’m gonna fail you.

*Next week*

Teacher: Okay kids, get off the floor and go back to your seats.

Kid: I’m too fat to get up.

Teacher: Don’t you remember what I said?

Kid: Yep, elephants don’t forget.

Ok, ok, who is trying to be my "long lost brother"? Because last time I checked, I didn't have any sisters or brothers, so stop trying to steal my fame from me and give up. A lot of other people already know you are fake, so get off this website OR JUST STOP!!!