Unexpected jokes

When the guy came in with a gun to rob the store, I said: "Hey, can I borrow that?"

He says "yes." Me, over here, walking to the cashier and saying: "Goodbye!" He screams: "Have mercy!"

I say: "No, not to you, to me. Say goodbye." He says: "No, don't shoot yourself!" It was too late.

Father: "Son, you were adopted."

Son: "What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!"

Father: "We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes."

I saw a monkey outside of school and said, "Look, a monkey!" I got expelled the next day.

I wasn't cut out for running today, but those cops came out of nowhere.

And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life.”

But John came fifth, and he got a toaster.

Jack and Jill Went up the hill to have some hanky panky.

Silly Jill forgot her pill. And now there's little Franky.

A patient visiting his doctor asked him if he had ever laughed at a patient.

The doctor said, "I have never in 25 years of practice ever laughed at a patient."

Reassured, the patient drops his trousers and underpants.

Immediately the doctor burst out into loud raucous laughter when he sees that the patient has a penis the size of a cocktail sausage.

After about 10 minutes the doctor manages to get himself under control.

Swiftly apologising he says to the patient, "Sorry about that. How can I help you?"

The patient says, "Have you got any cream for it? It's swollen."

When you’re having the best sex in your life and your grandma says, “I’m not dead!”

I really wasn't planning on going for a run today, but damn, those cops came out of nowhere!

A man walks into a bar, and there is a line of people waiting to punch him.

Yeah, that was the punchline.

What do you do if you see someone raping your girlfriend? Help out. There is no way she can fight both of you. Then, find the poor man a lawyer.

Me: punching a kid.

My FBI agent: You're adopted.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to go and have some fun.

Silly Jill forgot the pill, and now they have a son.

One day I was on my phone, then I got a text message from my girlfriend, "Hey, sexy boy, wanna hang out tonight if you know what I mean...?" Then I just stopped and froze. I read the message. I said, "Yeah, sure..." She replied really fast, "There's going to be a few people there, ok." But I didn't read the next message... She said, "Come right at 12:00 AM." But I didn't read it. I walked into her house, but I heard a strange noise like a moaning noise, and it sounded like HER!! So I hid behind the couch, and I looked through the open door and saw something I didn't want to see... Like for part 2 and comment if you want me to make another!!

Two guys were beating up someone in an alley, so I stepped in to help.

He didn't stand a chance against the three of us.

An orphan was running down the road. A car pulled up and said, "Get in." So the orphan got in and said, "Where are we going?" The kidnapper said, "I'm taking you to my house." The orphan replied, "OML, ARE YOU ADOPTING ME!?"

billie: hi.

me: You wanna hear a story?

billie: Yes, sure.

me: Once upon a time, I ran over your dog last night.

What do friends and trees have in common? They both fall down when you hit them with an axe.

Boss: You're fired.

Me: *pauses porn* Why?

He turns, he shoots!

And that is a horrible end to the Grand National...