Unexpected jokes
When you’re having the best sex in your life and your grandma says, “I’m not dead!”
When the guy came in with a gun to rob the store, I said: "Hey, can I borrow that?"
He says "yes." Me, over here, walking to the cashier and saying: "Goodbye!" He screams: "Have mercy!"
I say: "No, not to you, to me. Say goodbye." He says: "No, don't shoot yourself!" It was too late.
We thought that my mother died in the best way possible, during her sleep.
But when we did an autopsy on her, we saw she actually died in the worst way possible. During the autopsy.
Knock knock.
Fuck you!
I told a joke to an orphan, turns out he wasn't an orphan...
I really wasn't planning on going for a run today, but damn, those cops came out of nowhere!
A friend sits across from me at class so I asked if she wants to hang out sometimes. She said yes, so I called her over to my house, and that's the day I found out she was a guy.
The moral of the story: don't try to fuck your friends.
The doctor said I would make it, but then Spider-Man came in holding a PS5.
Me: punching a kid.
My FBI agent: You're adopted.
A man walks into a bar, and there is a line of people waiting to punch him.
Yeah, that was the punchline.
Lady: "Can I lick your balls?"
Me: "Ummmmm, ok?"
Lady: *grabs ball sack and licks my balls*
Me: "I'm gonna have to clean these now!"
Lady: "Let me do that."
Me: "No, thank you! I have to use these baseballs for practice!"
One day I was on my phone, then I got a text message from my girlfriend, "Hey, sexy boy, wanna hang out tonight if you know what I mean...?" Then I just stopped and froze. I read the message. I said, "Yeah, sure..." She replied really fast, "There's going to be a few people there, ok." But I didn't read the next message... She said, "Come right at 12:00 AM." But I didn't read it. I walked into her house, but I heard a strange noise like a moaning noise, and it sounded like HER!! So I hid behind the couch, and I looked through the open door and saw something I didn't want to see... Like for part 2 and comment if you want me to make another!!
Two guys were beating up someone in an alley, so I stepped in to help.
He didn't stand a chance against the three of us.
Jack and Jill went up the hill, Had some fun. She forgot her pill, And now we have Jonny!
Q. What does a Russian girl do when she gets unexpectedly pregnant?
A. Has an abortion.
A patient visiting his doctor asked him if he had ever laughed at a patient.
The doctor said, "I have never in 25 years of practice ever laughed at a patient."
Reassured, the patient drops his trousers and underpants.
Immediately the doctor burst out into loud raucous laughter when he sees that the patient has a penis the size of a cocktail sausage.
After about 10 minutes the doctor manages to get himself under control.
Swiftly apologising he says to the patient, "Sorry about that. How can I help you?"
The patient says, "Have you got any cream for it? It's swollen."
My mom told me to look for a bill in her file at her home office. Instead, I grabbed my sister's adoption papers.
My granddad died in Auschwitz in WW2...
He fell from a tower.
Two kids were beating up a kid in an alley, so I stepped in to help. He didn’t stand a chance against the three of us.
I'm in school lol.
He turns, he shoots!
And that is a horrible end to the Grand National...