Unexpected jokes

My wife is pregnant, but when we get to the doctors, something happened...

What happened?

Answer: The husband is pregnant too, with someone else’s baby, not the wife’s baby, but the wife is pregnant with his baby.

A priest and a pedophile walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey Jim!"

A woman marries a man and has 7 children. The husband dies, and she marries another man. She has another 7 children, and later the husband dies. A year later she gets married again, and has another 7 children. She dies after a few months.

At the funeral, a man sees the priest looking at the heavens. He walks over and hears the man say, "They're finally together again." The man looks at the priest and says, "With her husband?" The priest looks at the man and says, "No, her legs."

I'll always remember my dad's last words... "Why do you have an axe? We live in the city!"

That poor kid, he was fine until I bought him a mother's day card for his mum. The second he saw it, he burst out crying...

I walked into a room full of men masturbating. They all looked shocked when I didn't stop.

When you send her a dick pic, but then she sends you one right back...

So I'm banging the fuck out of this slutty chick, right?

And I'm thinking to myself, "She's PROBABLY got AIDS." So I go and get myself tested and, lo and behold, I'm positive.

This gets me thinking, "Where the fuck does an eight year old get AIDS?!"

"Who has my sister been hanging out with?!"

I saw an ISIS video and I got the theme stuck in my head. I was humming it the next day at work when my Arab co-worker said, "soon, my brother."

Today I was asked to go out by 20 girls. -- I was in the women's bathroom.