Traffic jokes
You know you're fucked when the speed bump screams.
What do you call an emo who just crossed the road? Roadkill.
What did the other traffic cone say to the other?
"Look away, I'm changing!"
According to the Police report, what did one traffic signal say to the other?
"Roxanne, you don't have to put on the red light..."
What happened to the chicken when he crossed the road? He didn't. He got run over by a truck.
Q: What is the difference between a drunk and a stoner at a stop sign?
A: The drunk guy runs it, and the stoner waits for it to turn green!
Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To cut through traffic.
I hate sitting in traffic, I always get run over.
A down-on-his-luck Newfoundlander takes a job in Toronto. He hates every minute of it. The housing is overpriced, the traffic a bottleneck. Frustrated, he starts saving every penny until he can buy a car to go home to the outport.
Eventually someone takes pity on him and offers to sell him a car with no reverse for fifty bucks.
"I takes it!" the Newfie replies, "because I don't intends on coming back anyway."
Why did the fat rape victim cross the road?
To block traffic.
Sat at a busy intersection with a slice of bread, waiting for a traffic jam.
Cut a hole in the rug so he could see a dirty floor show.
He took hay to bed to feed his nightmare.
Took a tape measure to bed to see how long he slept.
Put his nose out the window so the wind will blow it.
Died with his boots on because he didn't want to hurt his toes when he kicked the bucket.
A cop pulls over a carload of nuns.
The cop says, "Sister, this is a 55 MPH highway. Why are you going so slow?"
The Sister replies, "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 41, not 55."
The cop answers, "Oh, Sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you are on!"
The Sister says, "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful."
At this point, the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling. The cop asks, "Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They are shaking something terrible."
The Sister answers, "We just got off Highway 101."
My friend Amir didn’t have the greatest driving record because of all the car crashes he got in. He only crashed his plane once in a building, so he had a much better flying record.
What did the rapper say to the traffic jam?
"Move over, I'm about to drop some FIRE!"
Don’t you hate it when you are driving in a school zone and the speed bump starts screaming?
I saw a guy crossing a street once. The light was red.
When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and then you remember there are no speed bumps.
Say "traffic," and replace "r" with "h." It sounds like... that thicc.
You were born on the highway. That's where all the accidents happen!