Touch Jokes

I never touched kids, just woman, but since I was famous, they were fine with it.

In the new Justice League movie Flash can break glass by touching it, why is that? Because Flash is not supported on Windows.

Here’s my hand, please hold it. That way I can say I was touched by an angel.

What did the pretty young pre-pubescent 14 year old boy say when he got a homosexual peadophile for Christmas?

He said he was awfully touched!!!!

Friend: Why did you touch me? Me: That guy in the corner with no hair , glasses, really nice, white button up shirt, that drives a white van slow by school zones told me to and he would give me hard candy.

This joke includes potentially sensitive content.

Why hand holding is a couple thing? Because they touch each others genitals anyway.

why does the please touch museum sounds like police touch musuem? because they gotta watch out for the pedos

Unbelievable! When doctors touch my body, it’s alright, but if I do the same to some lady apparently it’s “harassment!”

The department of touch yourself is coming to the UK near you, I hope Scotland gets freedom I can't wait to leave England and live in Scotland.

My dog got mad at me for touching his toy he said “ get ur paws of my toy.

This joke includes potentially sensitive content.

Yo mama so fat when someome asked her to touch her chin she ask "witch one?"

hi i.............................................................................................................. sorr y my cat t f my cat touched my computtter i dont know where how to deleete. the joe is the joke is that f if you if jj sorry its har d to type the joke is that if y if you

if you i taking a cap if you if if you take a cap off a bottle is it decaptai decapit j decapti decapitation soryr guys sorry guys its g h its a aha h h a ah ah a hard word to spell

I play saxophone and I like to tell everyone I am a registered s/o (short for saxophone operator) in hopes of one day starting a jazz band, but now everyone looks at me weird, and when I go to house parties to perform, everyone hides their children, but little do they know I LOVE children. For some reason I got multiple restraining orders because I said “I want to touch the kids so they can one day become musicians themselves... like Michael Jackson”, I have then since moved from my hometown to Florida where I can meet up with other s/o’s, and surprisingly they have similar stories to me, but they say they have never even touched a saxophone, but they do like touching kids, which I’m all down for, just me and my buddies showing the new youth their abilities.

Update: i figured out what they meant by s/o is not the same as my s/o :(

This joke includes potentially sensitive content.

I am the ice cream man running over fat kids with my van if you touch my van I’ll smack you in the face with a frying pan if you steal ice cream I’ll shoot you in the face with a fudge machine