Skin Jokes

Anonymous

Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin

sell farm
in Self Harm

you know what really gets me under my skin when im down? sharpener blades

ok this isnt a joke but its funny.

Roses are red, nuts are brown, Skirts go up, pants go down. Body to body, skin to skin, when its stiff, stick it in. It goes in dry, comes out wet, the longer it’s in, the stronger it gets. It comes out dripping and starts to sag, its not what you think, its a lipton tea bag.

Get your mind out of the gutter.

Anonymous

why did helen keller wear skin tight pants?

so you could read her lips

3
Ben
in Puns

Did you know that towels are the leading cause of dry skin

2

Friends are like bananas. If you peel their skin off and eat them, they die.

Bob Ross

What’s the difference between a baby and an onion?

One screams when I peel it’s skin off.

Anonymous

A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an exposition to the Amazon Forest. After a while they get lost. So as they are walking suddenly the bushes jump up into the air and men with spears are there. One man says "Hey, your in our sacred land. So what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren’t that crazy so we will let you choose how you die." The man from France said, "bring me the poison." The man from Britain said, "bring me the gun" And the man from New York said, "bring me a fork" The guy was confused with the fork but still brought it the items and gave it to them. The guy from France said, “for the France!” And drank the poison and died. The man from Britain said, “long live the queen!” And shot himself and died. And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said “MAKE A CANOE OUT OF THIS YOU FUCKERS”

Meep

How do you make a pink smurf

You peel the skin off

2
dan
in Penaldo

I was going on a date when I decided to put on Penaldo’s PR7 cologne to smell good. As I put on the cologne, my skin started to turn invisible! I then realized the cologne had made me turn into a ghost 👻. Shame on you Penaldo for ruining my date 😡

Gwen

(Tripple Pun)

       What did the momma grape say to the pappa grape?

Raisin are kids is usually pretty fun, but some times they get sunburn and I have to take them to the doctor for dry skin.

in Car

New skin unlocked: Blood splatter! (Obtained by running over 69 children)

picklas cage

whats red and screams when you shake it? a skinned baby in a bag of salt

6
Death&Decay

The other day I took my Grandma to one of those fish spas where the little fish eat your dead skin.

It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.

sans
in Bone

*tibia honest, it takes a lot of spine to memorize all the bones in the skeletal system. i mean, there’s a skele-ton of em! you gotta be boned up for the skeletal system exam, buddy chum pal. now that was a humerus ribtickling skelepun. besides, if ya don’t know all of the bones in the skeletal system, get boned, fucking numbskull. did those tickle your funny bone? now i’ve been working down to the bone typing these puns, kid. now if you hate all these, i won’t be bothered, i got thick skin! but first, lemme take a skelfie in the skelevator playing my trom-bone. now, i gotta go to grillby’s. they got a discount on spare-ribs. bone-voyage, my homeslice breadslice dawg.

A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an exposition to the Amazon Forest. After a while they get lost. So as they are walking suddenly the bushes jump up into the air and men with spears are there. One man says “Hey, your in our sacred land. So what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren’t that crazy so we will let you choose how you die.” The man from France said, “bring me the poison.” The man from Britain said, “bring me the gun” And the man from New York said, “bring me a fork” The guy was confused with the fork but still brought it the items and gave it to them. The guy from France said, “for the France!” And drank the poison and died. The man from Britain said, “long live the queen!” And shot himself and died. And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said “MAKE A CANOE OUT OF THIS YOU FUCKERS”

Anonymous
in Roast

yo body so plastic that a turtle could choke on your peeled skin

Anonymous

Little boy asked his dad why was he was born black. Father replied, so the heat from the sun doesn’t burn your skin. Then he asks why is our hair all frizzy like fuse wire. So the coconuts when falling from the trees won’t hurt you. Then what are we doing living in Rochdale. (England)

Anonymous

Patient number 14 was diagnosed with stage 4 melanoma—a type of skin cancer. Pretty ironic how he travels. He went to terminal 14.