Touch Jokes

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The old lady thinks, "I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert."

The blonde thinks, "I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me and she slapped him."

The Frenchman thinks, "I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake."

The Englishman thinks, "I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again."

A boy and a girl are showering together. The girl looks down and says to the boy, "Hey, can I touch it?".The boy replies, "Oh hell nah. You already ripped yours off.".

Women are like IPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like Blackberrys, rub one ball and everything moves!

Why was Michael Jackson so loved? He touched so many children in so many special ways

DO Not Touch - the worst thing you can read in Braille

Last night I had the strangest dream !

I sailed away to China!

And I caught the coronavirus!

You said you needed to wash your hands!

Didn't want no one else to touch you! What does that mean ?!

And you said!!

Ain't nothing gonna break my lungs 😤!

Ain't no way of slowing Covid down!

Oh no I've got to keep on coughing!!!

When you end up pregnant.......

Mom told me if a boy touched my breast I should say DON'T and if he touched me down there I should say STOP..but Dad, he touch me both places at once so I said DON'T STOP DON'T STOP 😂

roses r red

idk what is brass

I tell myself

don’t touch grass

yo mama so ugly a rapist wouldnt even touch her with a barge pole

Mom told me to get more in touch with my feminine side. So I crashed the car.

You forehead is so big, that your face touches your chin

how is a child molester and harambe the same, they both get shot for touching little kids

What time is bed time at Michael Jackson’s house? When the big hand touches the little hand

If I saw a homosexual or transsexual man do so much as TOUCH my child, he would be dead, zombified, and castrated by the end of the day. Protect your young'uns from these degenerate freaks and live off the grid so they have no bearing on your life.

Why can't I touch little old women but nursing home nurses can.....

I love going to church to get closer to god, but my least favorite part of church has to be touching the priest’s penis

What touches kids and is made out of plastic? Michael Jackson here hee

Touch Down

I went to the doctors yesterday I said: when I touch my back it hurts when I touch my knee it hurts when I touch anything it hurts! 😣 what’s wrong with me Doctor: you’ve broken your finger

Little Johnny walks in on his grandfather smoking a cigar. “May I smoke a cigar?” Asks Johnny.

The grandpa replies “Well, does your dick touch your asshole?”

Johnny replied “No.” and left the room.

The next day Johnny sees his Grandpa getting into a car.

“Can I drive the car?” Asks Johnny.

“Does your dick touch your asshole?”

“No.”

The day after that, Granpa sees Johnny about to eat a cookie.

“Johnny, may I have some of your cookie?” Asked the grandpa.

“Does your dick touch your asshole, grandpa?”

“Yep.”

“Then go fuck yourself, this is my cookie.”