Touch jokes
Why is hand holding a couple thing? Because they touch each other's genitals anyway.
This is not a joke, but if your uncle tells you, "Bend over, touch your toes, I'll show you where the monster goes," don't do it, hehehehehe.
I got in touch with my inner self today, it's the last time I use 1-ply toilet roll.
What's big, black, and touches children?
Harambe.
A homeless man sees a woman about to jump off a bridge.
A homeless man is walking along a road and comes across a bridge. On the bridge is a woman standing on the railing, clearly about to jump. He approaches the woman.
"Hey lady, are you about to jump?"
"Back off! If you come any closer, I'll do it!" she replies.
"Well, that's fine," he says, "but before you do, can I ask a favor? I'm pretty down on my luck, and it's been a long time since I've felt the touch of a woman, so if it's all the same to you, would you have sex with me first?"
"Eww no, fuck off you creep!" the woman shouts back.
"Fine," the man says. "I'll just go wait at the bottom."
What did the pretty young pre-pubescent 14 year old boy say when he got a homosexual pedophile for Christmas?
He said he was awfully touched!
Bro sat down too close for comfort. I told him to move or he would get hurt.
Come on, how hard could it possibly be To move a few inches? You’re touching my D.
A guy really needs his personal space. Disobey and I’ll shove it in your face.
I play saxophone, and I like to tell everyone I am a registered s/o (short for saxophone operator) in hopes of one day starting a jazz band, but now everyone looks at me weird, and when I go to house parties to perform, everyone hides their children, but little do they know I LOVE children. For some reason, I got multiple restraining orders because I said, “I want to touch the kids so they can one day become musicians themselves... like Michael Jackson.” I have then since moved from my hometown to Florida, where I can meet up with other s/o’s, and surprisingly, they have similar stories to me, but they say they have never even touched a saxophone, but they do like touching kids, which I’m all down for, just me and my buddies showing the new youth their abilities.
Update: i figured out what they meant by s/o is not the same as my s/o :(
How is a child molester and Harambe the same? They both get shot for touching little kids.
I never touched kids, just women, but since I was famous, they were fine with it.
Here’s my hand, please hold it. That way I can say I was touched by an angel.
Yo forehead so big it touches yo neck.
Roses are red,
foxes are red,
I like your butt, let me touch it forever.
My father touched me yesterday. I called him a priest.
How do you know the hooker killed herself?
She sniffed the line off the dresser you said not to touch.
Why did your mum touch me? Because she was a pedo.
9/11 is like genders.
There used to be two of them, and now it’s a touchy subject.
White 40 year olds love little white kids, and so does Trump! The biggest hands to touch the kids and his daughter!
Why do kids want to become cops? They want to find the guy who touched them.
DO Not Touch - the worst thing you can read in Braille.