Touch jokes
A boy and a girl are showering together. The girl looks down and says to the boy, "Hey, can I touch it?" The boy replies, "Oh hell nah. You already ripped yours off."
Why was Michael Jackson so loved? He touched so many children in so many special ways.
God: Ok, so I created adults. And I created how they are supposed to look from being born to preteen.
Satan: (slides in) I’ll take over for you, pops.
God: I dunno... this is very delicate work. Just one wrong thing can ruin the system.
Satan: Don’t worry your beard off! (Pats his back) I’ll just do the ages from 12 to 18!
God: Hmm... I’m still not- (Gets a call on his phone) Shoot, I got to take this. (Answers call) Don’t touch anything, Lucifer! (Walks away)
Satan:.......(just touches lightly, and alarms start blaring. He squeaks and runs away)
God: (rushes in) WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO?!?!
God: (tries fixing problems. Only gets alarms off) Fuck me........
God:....(sighs) Fine, it’ll stay. We’ll just call it....puberty.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like Blackberrys, rub one ball and everything moves!
A guy threatened to touch me yesterday...
DO Not Touch - the worst thing you can read in Braille.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So, she gets a divorce.
Atoms never touch, so it means, we haven't touched each other or anything. So, sir, I did not drop-kick that child.
Roses are red, violets are blue. Don't touch the beds, they are sticky with white goo.
Once i was walking along the beach and there was a girl with no arms or legs there, i walked by and she said excuse me, will you touch me ive never been touched before, i was like okay so i touched her, i kept on walking along and there was the same girl, she said sir will you kiss me, i went alright so i went up and kissed her, i thought that was weird but anyway i kept walking along and there she was again, she said sir will you fuck me? I went okay so i picked her up and threw her in the ocean and went YOUR FUCKED NOW
How is a child molester and Harambe the same? They both get shot for touching little kids.
What's the difference between a rubber and Michael Jackson? Nothing, kids touch them both.
Roses are red,
I don't know what is brass.
I tell myself,
"Don't touch grass."
What time is bedtime at Michael Jackson’s house?
When the big hand touches the little hand.
Q: Have you ever felt a window?
A: Did you feel the pane?
I love going to church to get closer to God, but my least favorite part of church has to be touching the priest’s penis.
Mom told me to get more in touch with my feminine side. So, I crashed the car.
Your forehead is so big that your face touches your chin.
What was Michael Jackson's favorite song?
"Touch Me (I Want Your Body)."
Little Johnny was staying at his grandparents' house, and he asked his grandpa, "Can I have a cigarette?" His grandpa said, "Well, can your dick touch your asshole?" He said, "No." "Then that's your answer." A little bit later, Little Johnny asked for a beer. His grandpa said, "Well, can your dick touch your asshole?" He said, "I already said no." "Well, that's your answer." Later, he was complaining to his grandma, and she gave him cookies. His grandpa came up to him and said, "Can I have a cookie?" Little Johnny said, "Well, can your dick touch your asshole?" His grandpa said, "Well, yes, it can." And Little Johnny said, "Well, go fuck yourself, old man, because these are my cookies."