Touch Jokes

One day Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking a cigar. Johnny said, "Can I have a puff?"

Grandpa said, "Can your dick touch your ass?"

Johnny said, "No, then that's your answer."

Later that day, Johnny saw his grandpa drinking a drink. Johnny said, "Can I have a sip?"

Grandpa said the same thing, "Can your dick touch your ass?"

Johnny said, "No, then that's your answer."

Later that night, Johnny was eating some cookies in the kitchen. Grandpa said, "Hi son, can I have a cookie?"

Johnny said, "Can your dick touch your ass?"

Grandpa said, "Yes."

Johnny said, "Good, go fuck yourself!"

Why did tube date electricity? Because he would light up when she touched him.

Q: Why did the cow touch an electric fence?

A: Because it wanted to get electrocowted! 🐄

"Hee hee touch my pp."

I am the ice cream man running over fat kids with my van. If you touch my van, I’ll smack you in the face with a frying pan. If you steal ice cream, I’ll shoot you in the face with a fudge machine.

Just came up with a smart new way to make jokes. Try to figure it out without context

A screenshot of a website called "wheelofnames.com" with a wheel. The sections of the wheel contain: priest, prostitute, autistic, racist, transphobic, porn, woman, and shooting. To the right of the wheel there is a list with the same words. The text on top of the wheel says "The world stands with Ukraine". The website offers a feature to spin the wheel from within Discord.

yo forehead so big it touchs yo neck

What's big, black, and touches children?

Harambe.

Q: Why can kids relate to dogs?

A: They are noticed for 13 years, then left for no one to touch again.

If you can’t touch your brain or see your brain, you don’t have a brain?

Rules of dark humor.

1. Everything shall be touched.

2. If it offends someone, it shall not be touched.

A homeless man sees a woman about to jump off a bridge.

A homeless man is walking along a road and comes across a bridge. On the bridge is a woman standing on the railing, clearly about to jump. He approaches the woman.

"Hey lady, are you about to jump?"

"Back off! If you come any closer, I'll do it!" she replies.

"Well, that's fine," he says, "but before you do, can I ask a favor? I'm pretty down on my luck, and it's been a long time since I've felt the touch of a woman, so if it's all the same to you, would you have sex with me first?"

"Eww no, fuck off you creep!" the woman shouts back.

"Fine," the man says. "I'll just go wait at the bottom."

Dad: I get to touch animals every day at the zoo. KId: Why? Dad: I clean up animal s hit at a zoo.

To All The Naruto Fans:

Sharingan is red, Rasengans are blue, If you dare touch my daughter, I'll Chidori you!

My mum touch my friend but she wasn’t the she’s only 12

There are 3 men: an American, a French, and an Italian who have to take a trip and take the plane.

The American puts his hand out the window and says: "We are in America, I touched the Statue of Liberty." The French says: "We are in France, I touched the Eiffel Tower." The Italian says: "We are in Italy, I touched the garbage!"

"Simon says touch your chin."

The fat people be like, "Which one?"

How to give a good hand job?

Bop it. Pull it. Twist it. Harder. Better. Faster. Stronger. You put your left hand in. You put your left hand out. You put your left hand in and shake it all about.

None of you ever touch my penis.