Time jokes

Five more days.

Hey Siri, skip to Friday!

Your mum is so fat, she needs 3 different watches for 3 different time zones.

I'd like to have kids one day.

I don't think I could stand them any longer than that, though.

When I went to see the doctor, he remarked that he hadn't seen me in a while.

I said that I have been ill.

"Don't sneeze!"

Every time I was in the bathroom with my friends, I would always tell them, "Don't sneeze!" and when I did, they just laughed so hard. And when we sneezed, we laughed even harder.

Also,

"It dangles and swung!"

Language art quizzes are the best.

If I had a coin for every time someone said, "If I had a coin," I'd still be living paycheck to paycheck.

Fruit is like life. You slowly eat it away as it slowly also begins to rot like everyone I’ve known.

Wow, I can't believe you'd take the time to read this!

I told my friend to look at the clock, then I said, "Is this a bad time?"

What happens once every minute, twice every millennium, but never in a hundred years?

The letter M.

12/8?

Damn boy, you must be Nick Cannon because you don’t know when or how to stop.

I ran into a fat woman today. She said next time, don't hit me. I said I don't think I have enough gas to go around.

Then the ground started to rumble with every step she took.

Is someone who is tardy again actually "retardy"?

At one point in your life, you were exactly pi years old.

If your parachute fails midair, remember, you have the rest of your life to fix it.

What has 2 or 3 hands and is always right twice a day when it is broken?

A clock.

A man went to buy 5 undies, so he said, "Hi, 5 undies, please, 1 for each weekday." Then another man comes and said, "Hi, 7 undies please, 1 for each day, and they'll finish cleaning by Sunday." So the cashier said, "Now that's more like it!" And then another person said, "Hi, 12 undies please, wait, I'm gonna double check... January... fe"

Roses are red, lemons are sour.

Open your legs and give me an hour.