Time jokes

Yesterday my mom forgot to go grocery shopping, and I was starving, so I kept opening the fridge about 100 times, but nothing new was in there.

Your mum's so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing.

Why do dads take time to get?

Milk?

Being a police officer in Nunavut must be so fun. They get to play Cut the Rope on the job all the time!

My hair goes just onto my collar bones. WOW! That's longer than I'll live.

Billy: Hey kid, why are you sad?

Orphan: Oh, I'm waiting for my parents.

Billy: Oh, and how long have you been here?

Orphan: About 200 years.

Your hairline is so far back my dad even took 48 hours to reach it.

Your hairline goes so far back even history can’t record it.

I can't believe what just happened. I was at the bowling alley having a great time with my girlfriend when suddenly a man took all of our bowling pins! I asked him why and he said he needed more tapins to keep his career relevant. I instantly realized it was Penaldo!

One time Uma Thurman was Poison Ivy; she was weird in that, except for her punny jokes.

Sometimes I am happy, and there are times I envy my dog.

This kid was crying, so I asked him where his parents were. He just cried harder. I still remember him every time I pass that orphanage.

Some guy asked me, "Are you better than my meat?" I said, "No, I'm not better, I just beat it all the time."

I think about my life, and then I think about death. I prefer death. If you ask me, life is just a time when you die. Basically, death is life, meaningless 0-0.

Teacher said, "You never do your homework," so I shot her 7 times with a M1 BushDid911 and replied, "It's all in my backpack, can you grade it please?"

I jump and jump if you put bread in me too many times. What am I? A toaster.

What do you call an orphan's family region?

Me time.

What time does a duck wake up? At the quack of dawn.

Yo what quacking lacking? Looking for a ducking good time? I've got some one lines and knee slappers that ought to fix the bill. What happens flied upside down? It quacks up.

I saw an ad that said, "By the time this ad is over, two identities would have been stolen." So, I did what I had to do and skipped the ad! You're welcome to the two people's identities I saved!