Time jokes

Why do orphans only have 354 days?

'Cause they are missing Mothers and Fathers day!

Why is being alive so expensive? I'm not even having a good time.

I saw an ad that said, "By the time this ad is over, two identities would have been stolen." So, I did what I had to do and skipped the ad! You're welcome to the two people's identities I saved!

Your mom is so slow it took her 9 months to create a joke.

12/8?

If you give Kobe Bryant a cigarette, he will be warm for a short time.

But he was set on fire in the helicopter crash, so now he's warm for the rest of his life.

Why did the question come to life? Answer: The adding, subtracting, times, dividing by, and equals signs came to life and squished pages.

What do a blonde chick and a field of wheat have in common?

They're both bound to get plowed at some point in time.

I can't believe what just happened. I was at the bowling alley having a great time with my girlfriend when suddenly a man took all of our bowling pins! I asked him why and he said he needed more tapins to keep his career relevant. I instantly realized it was Penaldo!

What kind of shit does a ghost take every time? A spooky dookie!

One time Uma Thurman was Poison Ivy; she was weird in that, except for her punny jokes.

Fruit is like life. You slowly eat it away as it slowly also begins to rot like everyone I’ve known.

Why do dads take time to get?

Milk?

Bring out your weapons, people.

It's bullying time.

Your hairline goes so far back even history can’t record it.

What’s 23 times 2?

A potato.

Your mum's so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing.

Hope everyone is having a good day! ❤️

Why did the kid throw the clock out the window? He wanted to see time fly.

What did the blonde say when someone says, "Your baby is so cute?"

"For the last time, I don't want to sign up my child for Tindergarten just yet!"