Time jokes

Is someone who is tardy again actually "retardy"?

Why can’t you take an Asian guy golfing? Because you can’t drive. Every time he does, he tries to put a hole-in-one.

Your dad is so f**king fat that when he bends over and comes back up, it's the next day.

How do 4 gay guys fit on one stool at the same time?

They flip it over.

My son wore his new "Go Vegan" Hoodie for the first time today, and already he's been verbally abused as well as being punched, kicked, & spat on!!!!

And he's not even left the house yet!!!

Your hairline is so far back my dad even took 48 hours to reach it.

Every time a midget runs on the grass, the grass tickles their balls.

Your hairline goes so far back even history can’t record it.

Orphans have 363 days on a calendar because they don't have Mothers' or Fathers' Day.

My friend in a wheelchair is autistic and tried to fight me, so I said: "If you wanna fight me, I'll run up the stairs, and by the time you get up the stairs, I'll already be down the stairs waiting," and he started crying.

Billy: Hey kid, why are you sad?

Orphan: Oh, I'm waiting for my parents.

Billy: Oh, and how long have you been here?

Orphan: About 200 years.

Damn boy, you must be Nick Cannon because you don’t know when or how to stop.

On a scale from 1 to America, how free are you this weekend?

Hey Siri, skip to Friday!

Yesterday my mom forgot to go grocery shopping, and I was starving, so I kept opening the fridge about 100 times, but nothing new was in there.

Being a police officer in Nunavut must be so fun. They get to play Cut the Rope on the job all the time!

My hair goes just onto my collar bones. WOW! That's longer than I'll live.

Your hairline and my grandpa go way back.

I'd like to have kids one day.

I don't think I could stand them any longer than that, though.

Man, your hairline is so bad it started from the beginning of the month to the end!