Time jokes

Three guys walk into a room where a man is sitting with an assortment of foods on his plate because it's lunchtime. The guys ask the man to do a favor, and he says, "Sorry guys, I have a lot on my plate!"

How did Stephen Hawking die?

Windows didn’t update in time.

Kids, next time you have school dinners, make sure you have something you actually like so you don't have to shove all your food over to one side of the plate to make it look like you've eaten more than you actually have.

Last time I got caught stealing a calendar, I got 12 months.

How do you know someone is fucking dumb?

They put jokes that have been used several times already.

I was born yesterday, and I walked down memory lane. I fell over the edge!

What month has 28 days?

All of them.

If the average male walks 1.7 miles a day, then why did my dad take 13 years to get the milk?

What time is it when you can smell smoke inside?

Time to get outside!

An orphan went up to Nikola Tesla and asked to travel in time. He then saw his parents put him in a building, saying, "You now live here!"

"Have fun at school night" is what?

What time is it when you say "what?"

Time to start over!

I got pranked so many times. Once I saw two wheels rolling down the street. I heard this noise. I looked behind me. There's a legless man in a wheelless chair screaming, "HELP! I CAN'T GO ANYWHERE!" but I walked away. I knew it was a prank.

Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn't work so you'd bang it a few times?

I tried that with my dishwasher, but unfortunately, she ended up pregnant...

My lesbian friends bought me a nice watch for my birthday. I think they got confused when I said, "I wanna watch."

Yo mama's so old, she was a waitress at the Last Supper.

You know you’re not liked when you get handed the camera every time they take a group photo.

"People are more honest when they are tired, so I made my nephew do push-ups 50 times when I realized he stole my cookies."

I used to be in a special needs class, and the teacher sent a student (if you want to call them that) out to the hall for being late.

I asked her, "Why did you send James out to the hall?"

She said, "She was a little tardy."

I asked her, "I thought they all were."

I was at work and then a little kid came up to me and she said, "What happened to all the parents?" She sounded so confused, so I told her, "It's only yours, kid, they left you on purpose." She cried. I felt bad for a second and thought, oh well, time to get back to my job at the orphanage.