Time jokes
Patient: Doctor, every time I look in a mirror, I feel ill, as if I'm about to throw up. What's wrong with me?
Doctor: I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect.
You know why morning food digests so quickly.
Because it breaks fast.
Did you know that if you die you can still be a part of family game night!
All you have to do is have your family cremate you and put you in an hour glass, and the games that use hour glasses, well, you will be a part of family game night.
My mom bought me a car, and she called me an ungrateful b*tch because I sat in my wheelchair the whole time.
Yo mama so fat, her belly button got 15 minutes before her.
This ole boy picked up a hooker one time and she gave him the clap. In a few days, he saw her again, and he went up to her and said, "Hey, you gave me the clap!" She said, "NO I DID NOT! I sold it to ya!"
So I had an idea: you and a friend go bar (pub (whatever you call it)) hopping and propose to said friend in each one so everyone buys you free drinks and you get drunk and have a great time.
That autistic kid having sex for the first time:
"U The Hips, U The Hips!"
Your forehead is so big that it has five different time zones!
If 6 was afraid of 7 because 7-8-9, then why was 10 afraid?
'Cause it was right in the middle of 9/11.
I would have loved to ride the Titanic at least once ;)
iykyk
Hello, everyone, how is your day today?
My grandpa and your hairline go way back.
Mom: It's time for sleep.
Baby: Is that what you think, huh?
Mom: *gives baby pacifier*
Baby: Nice try, hobo.
Mom: Well, I'll come back later to see if he's gone asleep.
*few hours later*
Baby: *still awake*
Mom: Why IS HE NOT ASLEEP?!
Baby: Lol, I told you nice try haha.
Gf: Babe, do you love me?
Bf: Count the stars and that's how much I love you.
Gf: But it's morning, sweetie...
Bf: Exactly.
Gf: :0, I'll take that as a no.
My grandfather has been through a lot in his time. When he was in the war, he survived a mustard gas attack. And later down the line, he survived being pepper sprayed by the police. He was certainly a real seasoned veteran.
Why are there only 363 days on an orphan's calendar?
They don't have Father's Day and Mother's Day.
I read to deaf kids in my spare time.
What do Karens do when they have free time?
They do KARENoke and sing a Karen song.
How do you know someone is fucking dumb?
They put jokes that have been used several times already.