Time jokes

That autistic kid having sex for the first time:

"U The Hips, U The Hips!"

My mom bought me a car, and she called me an ungrateful b*tch because I sat in my wheelchair the whole time.

Hello, everyone, how is your day today?

This ole boy picked up a hooker one time and she gave him the clap. In a few days, he saw her again, and he went up to her and said, "Hey, you gave me the clap!" She said, "NO I DID NOT! I sold it to ya!"

My grandfather has been through a lot in his time. When he was in the war, he survived a mustard gas attack. And later down the line, he survived being pepper sprayed by the police. He was certainly a real seasoned veteran.

Why are there only 363 days on an orphan's calendar?

They don't have Father's Day and Mother's Day.

Gf: Babe, do you love me?

Bf: Count the stars and that's how much I love you.

Gf: But it's morning, sweetie...

Bf: Exactly.

Gf: :0, I'll take that as a no.

Kids, next time you have school dinners, make sure you have something you actually like so you don't have to shove all your food over to one side of the plate to make it look like you've eaten more than you actually have.

Last time I got caught stealing a calendar, I got 12 months.

I was born yesterday, and I walked down memory lane. I fell over the edge!

How do you know someone is fucking dumb?

They put jokes that have been used several times already.

Three guys walk into a room where a man is sitting with an assortment of foods on his plate because it's lunchtime. The guys ask the man to do a favor, and he says, "Sorry guys, I have a lot on my plate!"

Hi, oooo was the day I was a kid. I was going home to school today after dinner!

We asked our teacher many times for an atlas, and he said, "At last, you can have one!"

"People are more honest when they are tired, so I made my nephew do push-ups 50 times when I realized he stole my cookies."

Everybody is talking about Trump having leaks in his office.

I don't see what the problem is. He should just use a better fitting diaper next time.

Q. What's the difference between a baby and a bale of straw?

A. I got arrested last time I speared a baby with a pitchfork.

Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn't work so you'd bang it a few times?

I tried that with my dishwasher, but unfortunately, she ended up pregnant...

You know you’re not liked when you get handed the camera every time they take a group photo.

Yo mama's so old, she was a waitress at the Last Supper.