Time jokes

I read to deaf kids in my spare time.

My grandfather has been through a lot in his time. When he was in the war, he survived a mustard gas attack. And later down the line, he survived being pepper sprayed by the police. He was certainly a real seasoned veteran.

My grandpa and your hairline go way back.

I would have loved to ride the Titanic at least once ;)

iykyk

Hi, oooo was the day I was a kid. I was going home to school today after dinner!

Nothing lasts long these days!

As Confucius says, "Hare today, gone tomorrow!"

What do Karens do when they have free time?

They do KARENoke and sing a Karen song.

Guess what's "tiiiimmeeeee ABDE?"

....yes, it is "long time no see."

What did the vegetable say to the other before the fight?

Time to beet your maker.

Mom: It's time for sleep.

Baby: Is that what you think, huh?

Mom: *gives baby pacifier*

Baby: Nice try, hobo.

Mom: Well, I'll come back later to see if he's gone asleep.

*few hours later*

Baby: *still awake*

Mom: Why IS HE NOT ASLEEP?!

Baby: Lol, I told you nice try haha.

Three guys walk into a room where a man is sitting with an assortment of foods on his plate because it's lunchtime. The guys ask the man to do a favor, and he says, "Sorry guys, I have a lot on my plate!"

How did Stephen Hawking die?

Windows didn’t update in time.

Kids, next time you have school dinners, make sure you have something you actually like so you don't have to shove all your food over to one side of the plate to make it look like you've eaten more than you actually have.

Last time I got caught stealing a calendar, I got 12 months.

How do you know someone is fucking dumb?

They put jokes that have been used several times already.

I was born yesterday, and I walked down memory lane. I fell over the edge!

What month has 28 days?

All of them.

If the average male walks 1.7 miles a day, then why did my dad take 13 years to get the milk?

What time is it when you can smell smoke inside?

Time to get outside!

An orphan went up to Nikola Tesla and asked to travel in time. He then saw his parents put him in a building, saying, "You now live here!"